I have found on this adventure that I do my best thinking while I am wondering around the streets of Florence. My mind takes off and its as if I have a subconscious thought process going on that is filling me in on what I have been thinking. Today is no different but the shitty part is that by the time I get to the computer my thoughts don't match up properly. They are close but not as eloquent as in my head. So I will do my best to work out this thought process here and share it.
Today is memorial day and it is a great way to celebrate the United States troops and give them a day of memory and praise for their selfless service to their country. The only issue I have with that date is that it is the same as the day my dad died. In most circumstances this would've been a difficult experience for most people but the problem is that I never knew him. I missed out on getting to know him. I didn't know I was robed of so much until years later when i actually heard he died but thats besides the point. I find it funny that I have an official marker date of when my dad died to help remind me forever. That is just so nice of life to do that for me. I sometimes can't help but laugh at life because I see a reality, I see the one that I wish for, and the one that is. I have heard so much from people all over the world the same thing in this year and its quite odd, they say "The grass is always greener on the other side." I have heard that from citizens of the world and it is really amazing how many people think that way. I used to think that way and I am sure sometimes I still do but I do my best to stay balanced.
I had so many other thoughts on my walk but as I sit down that is the only one that comes to my mind. I guess it is the only thought that weights heavier on me then I realized. I guess that leaving all my friends behind in Italy and possibly never seeing them again is part of why I am focused on death. I am reading a book now called On The Road by Kerouac and it really made me realize that sometimes you just know you will never see people again when you meet them on the road. You have a great encounter, a meaningful conversation, a passionate love affair, and then you move on. When I look at myself I wonder how I will fit into the memories of my adventure buddies and wonder how I will remember them. I have met people that have changed my life, I have met drinking buddies, I have met lovers, I have met my past, and I have met my future. And let me tell you, they are both really scary. One is scary because I am leaving behind something that meant so much to me and the other is because I have no idea what I may find along the way. I wonder if I will ever find the happiness I once had or if I will never find love again. These are thoughts that are pointless however because I won't ever know until I know. And even then, life is full of change, constant change. All I know is that the journey to find myself will continue.
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