Roman Holiday

Well Christmas has come and gone again and this time it was quite special for me. I traveled to Rome and it almost seemed like an out of body experience. The special part of this Roman trip wasn't the Christmas Eve Mass at the Vatican, it wasn't the Colosseum or Forum, it wasn't the Vatican museum and all its priceless wonders, it was purely about letting go of my grandmother.

The first night I spent in Rome was amazing and filled with a trip to the Colosseum and the Forum which are truly amazing feats of mankind. I did prefer the Forum a bit more but probably that was because we were aloud to walk around more freely amongst the ruins. Either way the evening was the best part of the entire trip for me. I feel asleep around 7pm and had one of the oddest and most vivid dreams of my entire life. I often have lucid dreams in which I can control what is happening and am fully aware in the dream that I am dreaming. This dream was nothing like that or any other dream I have ever had. It seemed more as if was real and I was literally experiencing this. I hesitate to use the term "Out of body experience" but it might be the closest way to explain what I felt.

So let's get to the dream then, It starts off with a long journey of pointless obstacles which are not really relevant to the story. I just had this overwhelming feeling that I needed to finish all these tasks because I was avoiding dealing with something that was very important yet I was very scared of. Finally I finish all these tasks and take one deep breathe. I close my eyes and I think, "Ok now I'm ready." Bam! Just like that I am watching my grandmother dying in front of my eyes yet I am to afraid to look so I pretend that I don't see her. She catches my eye though and looks at me. There are people around her trying to hold her spirit up with positive words and thoughts. Yet all that she sees is me and instantly I run to her and she hugs me. She reaches out and grabs my hands and says, "Jason I am in so much pain, you must let me go." Her eyes closed and her body fell limp into my arms. I held her as I told her that it was ok for her to go on and that I would be alright, everything would be alright."

That seemed like the end of the dream to me and I knew then I was ready to wake up but no. The dream continued and this is the part that made me feel something I have never felt before and could never properly put into words. My grandmother and I were in a dark place with a white light tunnel. She and I were standing together holding hands. We began to walk towards the light together and in a brief moment she looked at me and told me that she needed to go on by herself and that I wasn't ready to come with her yet. After hearing those words and seeing this vision so clearly I woke up in a cold sweat. I had never felt such a feeling of loneliness before and I knew she was really gone. Her spirit had come to let me walker to the other side because she knew how upset I was with myself that I wasn't there when she died here in her physical form.

Going to Rome was amazing because it allowed me to realize a dream come true. Knowing that my grandmother moved on is a sense of peace that I didn't know I needed until I found it. I have to say there was much more to this trip then just this story and my first day adventures but this blog is long enough already. I will just add some pictures now to show you how amazing my time in Rome was.

It's almost Christmas

If you would have told me last years that I would be living in Italy and celebrating Christmas with my ex-girlfriend in Rome, I would have never believed it. Yet here I am.

I am leaving in a few hours to Rome for the first time ever and am very excited about it. Not because of Rome, not because of the adventure that is in front of me, not because of anything other than the opportunity to pay my respect to my Grandmother. She passed away this summer and it was very difficult for my family and I but we all knew it was the best thing for her. It is never easy to let a love one go and I don't think that family ever leaves your heart. She will never be missed because she is with me everyday. She shaped me as a person and many of my characteristics are because of her. Every year after Christmas eve mass we would all return home and she would pray in front of the T.V. while the Pope gave his mass. Well in order to pay my repeats to her, I will be going to Rome to watch the Pope give Christmas eve mass. This is one of the most important moments of my life because it will bring me closer to my family then I have ever been before. The idea of love is eternal in my eyes because from the moment I was breathing till the moment I die they are part of my existence.

This will be my first Christmas in a different country and so far away from home. I have not been home for the holidays for many years now but mainly because I have always had to work. I am actually looking forward to the holidays in the future when I can be closer to my family and friends. The holidays are about love and appreciation in my eyes and I must say I have many people who show me both love and appreciation much more than I show it back. This trip to Italy has opened my eyes to my finite time on this planet and I must use every moment I can to appreciate and love as much as possible.
So from this point I will do my best to be more open, loving, and caring towards the world.

A New Day

I looked at myself today in the mirror and I was confused. I have a beard now, my hair is getting long for me, and now I seem to have pimples. My body seems to be changing and it's really odd to me. Grow up and growing older and two completely different things. I am however doing both at the same time which isn't always the case. In the past two years I have done all I could to escape the reality I had been setting myself up for. I bought into the working a boring job just to have stuff, the real American dream I guess. That's not my dream. I want more than just stuff, I want experiences. I want to experience a life that goes with the flow and can blow in the wind. I want to be able to have no home and become a nomad. The idea of home has always been important to me but now it seems like something I want to run away from. It's very strange because home is a lovely place. It's got friends, family, and familiarity. And maybe just maybe that's what I'm afraid of. I don't want to just fall into a stagnant life that blows through weeks because I can't tell Monday apart from Friday. Rather I would prefer that confusion because I haven't looked at a calendar for a month. Life is about surviving not making money. Now there are truly different levels of survival but reality is that I started at the bottom and I'm ok here. People may have had more and less than me but I'm finally happy with what I had and appreciate it more now that I understand the struggle of what my mom went through to give me all that she could. And she did one hell of a job, I usually got what I wanted cause she would do anything to see my smile. The idea of a person that would die to make you happy is something I hope I can find a few more times in this lifetime. But if not, I will always know that I was blessed to have such Ana amazing person in my life. 

I want this week to be dedicated to my grandmother. Every day I will take a bit of time and reflect of our good times together. The lessons she taught me and the many amazing experiences we shared. Today I remember the time she bought me two mice and let me keep them in a bird cage. I found out that mice could fit through very tiny spaces through that experience which led to dead mice found many years later. Oh grandma, you were crazy in the best kind of way. 

Anyways that's it for now. I am listening to daft punk in a bar having a coffee. Italy has really made me appreciate the coffee house because it's time to reflect and relax. I have no worries when I am sitting and thinking. I am at peace when I don't move. That sounds strange but I mean it. Music, coffee, deep thoughts and reflections, this is my happiness right now. I have found a way to escape my reality for a bit and enjoy life. The beauty is that I really think with this experience I might finally be on a true road to happiness. Cheers to that!

Moment is Everything

Today was a day filled with positive moments and one shocking blow. I began this day by watching a movie about the Mafia. I happen to be in Italy and for the time being it seems like Mafia moves are a stand out option. After this movie ended around 10am I went back to sleep and woke up around 3pm. At this point I walked across the bridge and began to write in my personal journal. Besides my blog which is public I have started a personal journal meant to get everything off of my chest. Basically a lot more complaining than I do here on this page. As for the shocking blow, you probably guessed it, ex-girlfriend issues. It is funny how the world works sometimes and lets just leave it at that.

The point of this blog is not to complain about girls hurting my feelings or stories of sleepy afternoons but rather it is about logging my personal growth and achievements over this period of time that I will be in Italy. I am growing as a person because my normal reality is constantly being ripped apart on a daily basis. Everything seems to be changing at such a rapid pace and I am the only one that seems to be aware of this. This must mean it is happening only to me at this moment in my life. While other people may be experience similar growing periods in life right now, this experience is truly unique to me. I am the one who feels the pain before the joy, I am the one that has to hit the bottom before I can start my journey to the top, and I am the only one who can learn how to make myself happy on a daily basis.

I wish no bad thoughts on anyone especially the ones who have hurt me. I know that they did not hurt me rather it was my mindset that allowed the pain into my reality. The only reality that does exist is that life is what I make it. If I choose to be happy, sad, morose, gloomy, etc., I will be it. This is much easier said than done, I promise you all that. In my journal I record my thoughts on my own existence, my ability to help the world achieve a perspective of the bigger picture, and I focus on the power that lays inside of my mind which is hardly utilized. I am looking to grow my mind and my spirit in this next decade and with that growth bring some knowledge and prosperity to the world. This blog may be the preachiest and off-topic entry yet but all of this needs to be said.

"I am Jason Brooks and I am on a journey to find happiness."

I often tell people that I do not want a career or a job ever but since I live in this reality I know I will have to earn money to survive. I will get by one way or the other but always because life allows me another day. My actions and thoughts all come from the same place in life; confusion. I am confused about life because I do not understand it. How I can exist in this time and be who I am while others have come before me and will leave after me? This may not make sense to many but to me the idea of being eternally happy is something I have been searching for my entire life, even before I knew I was. I hope that I can continue this search for a lifetime because the second someone believes they have found happiness it will change on them. People are only happy until they are not. I believe my only option now is to choose happiness for a lifetime.

Done with the first semester of my Master's Program!

Well here we are, at the end of the middle.

I never thought I would be living in Italy let alone pursuing my master's degree here in graphic design. This semester has been one hell of a ride though. In my American University I only took 4 courses a semester yet here in Italy they made me take 8 classes. Next semester I will take 8 classes again and its basically because they are forcing two years worth of work into one year. Wow! This has been intense and all I know is that next semester I will put a lot more effort into my work because this semester has been filled with randomly Italian adventures.

I came to Italy scared, confused, love-blind, and not sure of anything. It has now been a bit more than three months and I don't feel anything that I felt when I got here. I never realized that three months could be filled with so much fun, sadness, pain, and real joy. It has been one hell of a ride and I still have seven more months to go. I have met people so far on this journey that will be friends forever, I have met people who came and went just as they were meant to, and I have met people that were lovers that will be nothing but a memory when I go back to America. All I can really say is that right now, I am happy when I look myself in the mirror.

This life is to short to hold grudges and be mad. The girl I loved hit me with some intense news last night and WOW, I never saw that coming. All I know is that even the people you trust the most aren't always honest with you. Everyone is playing the game of survival and we have to respect that. I end this blog with such a simple and beautiful song. Remember that smiling faces tell lies.

Smile because today is a gift!

Finding Inspiration

Life is a funny things sometimes. Right when everything feels like it has come together, bam!, it all falls apart. Sure this is a scary thing when it happens and for me it has been one hell of a ride. I was told before coming out here that I was supposed to listen to life and be open to what I am presented with. Well coming from a lifetime of American culture and thoughts, it is very difficult to just open your mind over night. Luckily I have been here almost three months now and I am learning about the Italian way of life.

Top: Garden View

Bottom: Reaching Heart

Everything here in Florence is a bit slower than what I am used to. The shops all seem a bit off somehow as do many of the product. There are security guards at markets who lurk and creep you out while you are also allowed to drink while wondering around in the streets. This place seems to be a city that runs on very few laws and a lot more of presence. There are always a good amount of police walking around in my neighborhood because its a tourist location. Honestly I have never seen them doing anything except heard the African vendors from place to place.

I have been inspired lately by the idea of travel. The idea that I have taken my life from a job to an adventure. I am lucky to be here and I know this fact to be extremely true. With that said, I am loving every moment out here even on the days that I might seem blue. The best part of going to sleep at night is knowing that I am about to rest my head in Europe. I have had the great pleasure of going to see a few places here in Europe so far and am really hoping to see a few more. I might not be able to because surviving out here is expensive enough.

I am at a standstill with how I feel . I see what is happening here in my life and it doesn't seem to matter that I am in Italy. Life is life, pain is pain, and happiness, well I'm not exactly what that is anymore. I am at this odd place in my life where everything seems to be changing at such a crazy fast pace that I can't understand what is happening. I have let people I love walk all over me because I mistook it for something else. Maybe I just let them because I thought they would eventually change. I find myself to be a pretty nice person and I heard from way to many girls here in Italy that happens to be my biggest flaw. I DISAGREE!!!

I can't imagine that being nice and caring can be a bad thing. Trust me I am not perfect, not even close. But I am trying to be a better person every day. Somedays I succeed and some days I fail but the times I fail teach me how to succeed. I am living in a situation that is very difficult for me because I have so much frustration in this current moment. I happen to think I deserve better also!

Well on the brighter side of things. Last night was our ugly christmas sweater party which was really fun. I dressed up as Santa and seemed to really make the party have that little extra. I sat outside of my apartment for about two hours taking pictures with random tourist and Italians. People seemed to respond really well to it even though it was a super tacky outfit.

This blog seems to be all over the place because thats exactly how I feel right now. I am in the final week of classes for my first week of my semester and lets just say all the stress is starting to kick it. I will pull an all night shift to complete my work and then work my butt off the next few days to complete everything as well as I can. I have to stop letting things and people distract me. I seem to get stuck and sucked into my head way to often.

Cross Color Processing

I have been working on a bit of cross color processing. Here is a short clip of some of my recent work.

Time Lapse Video

This post is all about photography. Well specifically it is about 1,200 different pictures that when compiled turn into a video. I took these shots at the Piazza Republica in Firenze, Italy. It took me about an 30 mins of shooting to capture less than one minute of video.

Europe and its treasures

So it has been almost two months since my last post and I vaguely remembering making some sort of declaration of a daily post. Well that did not work out obviously but thats only because life has been absolutely insane. I have spent time in airports all over Europe recently with the best stops occurring in Paris, Barcelona, and my personal favorite city in the entire world, Amsterdam! I traveled with roommates and an ex-lover which proved for fun, interesting, and at times painful moments that I wouldn't trade for the world. While doing all this traveling, I have been doing my absolute best to catch up with my semesters worth of work which has become quite pilled up. Its not that its hard and in fact certain classes I am sure I have done all my work purely because I find it really fun. This is mainly my advertising homework and for whatever reason I find this super fun.

 

Amsterdam

Barcelona

Sienna

So now to the important part of this blog. These two months have spoken very loudly towards me and I have been doing my best to listen to what life is trying to teach me right now. This is essentially what I think life wants me to understand right now.

1- Destiny is what brings you to where you are. When you are there you have two choices. Good or Bad? Left or Right? Straight or Backwards? Destiny will take you places in life that do not make sense and will teach you some valuable lessons.

Destiny in a Box

2- People will always come and go in life. If they are meant to be in your life then they will. If not, it will be ok.

Don't be Sad

3- Do not be afraid to enjoy life because the window of opportunity is closing a bit more each day.

Don't be Afraid

4- Don't be afraid to talk to strangers, they might become friends.

5- Most of all, enjoy the fact that you are alive right now and capable of doing things other can only dream of.

I am not sure where my Destiny is taking me but so far it has taken me from Los Angeles to San Diego to San Francisco to Florence. I wonder what is coming next?

The end is also the beginning

It has been nearly two weeks since my last blog and thats because quite a lot has been happening in my life. Let my start with one realization, "The end is also the beginning."I came to Italy on a search for something. Something different, something epic, something life-changing. I just realized I found all of that in one quick and unexpected moment. Four days ago my girlfriend broke up with me. That was the moment that ended something just as quickly as it began something new for me. If we had made it to the end of October, we would have been together for four years. We made it to 3 years and 11 months. Now the catch of this all, I did nothing wrong, In my opinion and hers. She gave me the classic lines of all lines, " I love you but I'm not in love with you."

OUCH! We have all either heard that or said it at least once before but damn it stings when its directed right at your heart. He reasons were at best comical. That is neither hear nor there really but what really matters is that even though we are broken up we still share a room and a bed for the next 3 months until our lease is up. Well now the fun part begins I guess. I am going to refocus on myself again and start looking for people who actually appreciate me being around.

My brother just told me something the other day, "If they aren't worth dying for then they aren't worth crying for." Well I gotta say that hit a chord with me because she killed a piece of me once before and I can't help but think that was a piece of me that I could be loving now. Life is a cruel mistress because she is warm, loving, terrifying, and confusing all at the same time. I am not sad about this as much as I thought I would be because all she is doing is making me stronger. I am absorbing the pain that life is throwing my way and will walk with my head held high because no person can break me down. I will not allow it.With that said I will be attempting to add another dimension to my blog. I will be posting one image a day from this point forward. It will be the sum of my daily experience and help me realize that there is so much beauty in the world that one narrow minded perspective is nothing that will stand in my way to happiness because after all, "Love is Everything." Truly it is.

                                                   

Confused in Italy

If I had to choose one word to describe this week it would be, Confused.  I learned this week that the person I traveled half way across the world with is still dealing with ex-boyfriend issues. We have been dating for almost four years next month yet she can't get over whatever he did to her in her past. The lesson I took away from my breakup of my right year relationship is that you have to move on and stop dwelling in the past. I seem to learn that lesson over and over in life but sometimes I wonder if I am the only person looking at life and taking each day as a lesson. You have to learn and grow each day otherwise you will never develop into the beautiful butterfly life wants you to be. We all start life in our own caccoon because its the safest thing for us. Yet you must grow and develop day by day before life passes you by. I have always been a deep thinker so much so that I can say that is my biggest flaw, I live inside my head. I judge people the moment I meet them and live with a predisposed idea of what I expect out of life, however the biggest flaw with this is that life loves to mess that up by showing that there are many layers to each person. I truly want one thing, a love that will last a life time. I came to Italy thinking I had found that and not even a month into being here I'm starting to realize that I will probably leave Italy single and more confused. I just wonder why it's so hard to meet someone who can appreciate me for me? I will keep my chin up and keep it moving because that is literally my only option but every once and a while life needs to throw me a bone.

Well it has been a long week . . .

I have been in Firenze for a bit over a week now. The range of feelings I have experience has been all over the place but the one constant feeling has been lost. I have teared up every day that I have been here for one reason or another. Either the immense beauty that I have seen or the extreme pain I feel from being so far away from my home. I think the shock and awe of this trip has already fizzled and now I just feel trapped here amongst strangers. Never have I felt so alone while being around so many people. I even have six roommates but its still odd to me because I am not used to living with so many people. I think this is going to be a long ten months.

I am glad however that school is starting soon and that will redirect my energy and my spirits. I need something to do rather than just wonder and work out every day. Its fun but after a bit it becomes lonely just like it was back in the states. I realize more than anything I am the constant in this scenario and if any issues like this its because I continue in the same patterns way to often. I find myself clinging to things from home but I just paid 8 Euro for a small fountain coke. Lesson learned, ask for the price before ordering anything! I am living on a budget and am not used to it at all.

I think the oddest part mainly is that all the people I am around are all babies and it makes me realize that I am to old to be living with 20 year olds and people who act like they are. I thought I was immature but I realized by association that I'm not a kid anymore. I need to get my shit together and quickly before life leaves me behind.

So I live in Florence now, no big deal!

I have been in Florence for about 4 days now and I have accomplished more than I would normally back in the states. I walk every where, drink mainly water, and am feeling fantastic. I think for the first time in my life I feel like I am doing something productive with my time. I know this is the beginning of a different way of living. I can not and will not go back home and fall back into my daily routines. I haven't smoked for about a week and I feel GREAT!!!! I thought it would be rough but oddly its easy when you have hundreds of years of art to distract you. I have always considered myself artistic and yes I have a degree that says others agree with me but I am more than an artist, I am a student. I am always learning and I realize now that college was nothing more than a great way to learn.

I have so much more to see but here is a quick glimpse of what I have seen so far.

Two days left in California

Two days left in California and I am excited, stressed, and nervous.

I am excited for all the great things that are coming my way shortly.
I am stressed out because I will miss my family and know that I will experience a sense of culture shock I have never seen before.
I am nervous because any number of situations may arise which I have not prepared for.

The only thing that matters now is that this is happening!

I will be leaving tuesday morning and will be taking four flights in one day. Seeing as I have never been on a plane for more than one hour at a time, I am a bit nervous. I am flying from Los Angeles to San Francisco to Munich to Frankfurt to Florence. The entire day of travel will be about 20 some hours.
Hope all works out well but like my mom always says, "if its your time then there is nothing you can do about it."

I just hope its not my time but at least I will have good company waiting for me on the other side.

I really wish that my Father, Grandfather, and Grandmother where around to experience this live changing journey with me but I have to carry all their lessons in my heart and remember that I will always have them with me because without them there would be no me.

Next time I post, I will either be traveling or living half way across the world.

Much love,
Jason

Bart ride and some random thoughts

As I sit on the bart train heading to work, I spotted an American flag on the side of a train. It just hit me honestly that I am going to be living outside of America and definitely outside of my comfort zone. Holy shit! This is gonna be nuts.

I sent out my first request today asking someone to the care of Chloe for the nine months I'm gone. Hopefully whatever happens works out for the best with her and that she is hold on till I return. 

So much more to figure out. Essentially I am four months and counting. I gotta quit my job, sell my possessions, relocated my dog, and get ready for one hell of an adventure. I have no time to waste cause as of now I'm on a mission to love life.

Well this is it

My name is Jason and I am on a journey. A journey to find myself.


On the first of May, I purchased a one way ticket from San Francisco,  California to Florence, Italy. My intentions are to earn my Masters Degree in Graphic Design while in Italy. I am applying to schools in Florence; Florence Design Academy and the Florence Design Institute. They both seem to have a lot to offer which makes the decision even more difficult. I am leaning towards the Academy but was just today contacted by the Institute and now I am just as confused as ever about my choice. I will do as much research as I can over the next few days and let that lead me to my ultimate choice.

Either way on August 27th 2013 I will be leaving San Francisco and moving to Florence. I have no idea where I will stay and truly no idea what I am doing. But God Damn, It's exciting! I am thinking that this will be a great life experience for many reasons but many of which I couldn't even begin to guess at now.

I still have a ton of stuff to figure out in the next four weeks. What will I do with Chloe? What will I do with all my stuff? Where will I live when I get there? I could go on and on but I would prefer to just live and explain what happened after. I don't know if anyone will ever read this and to be honest I don't really care right now. I know that this is a way of meditating and reflecting on my experience and thoughts. If there is a moment of insight then so be it but mainly I am trying to catalogue my experience from my personal perspective. I will be maintaining this blog for the next year to share my study abroad experience as well as my own thoughts as a first time traveler leaving America.

Also this may be important to explaining the level of excitement I have. I am 29 years old and have never been out of America. I have lived in California my entire life. I lived in Los Angeles for 18 years, San Diego for 6 years, and San Francisco for another 6 years. The furthest that I have ever been away from California is Texas and that was only for a funeral so I don't think that really counts. And Las Vegas and Tijuana are basically part of California in my opinion. I am 100% positive that I am in for a culture shocking experience like nothing else I have ever experienced. I don't know what to look for or ever what to expect, but isn't that life in a nut shell?

I will leave my first blog with this closing phrase:
Amore is Todo

This is the motto of my life and will forever live every day with as much love in my heart as possible. Hopefully the love continues around the world.