And the journey continues

I have found on this adventure that I do my best thinking while I am wondering around the streets of Florence. My mind takes off and its as if I have a subconscious thought process going on that is filling me in on what I have been thinking. Today is no different but the shitty part is that by the time I get to the computer my thoughts don't match up properly. They are close but not as eloquent as in my head. So I will do my best to work out this thought process here and share it.

Today is memorial day and it is a great way to celebrate the United States troops and give them a day of memory and praise for their selfless service to their country. The only issue I have with that date is that it is the same as the day my dad died. In most circumstances this would've been a difficult experience for most people but the problem is that I never knew him. I missed out on getting to know him. I didn't know I was robed of so much until years later when i actually heard he died but thats besides the point. I find it funny that I have an official marker date of when my dad died to help remind me forever. That is just so nice of life to do that for me. I sometimes can't help but laugh at life because I see a reality, I see the one that I wish for, and the one that is. I have heard so much from people all over the world the same thing in this year and its quite odd, they say "The grass is always greener on the other side." I have heard that from citizens of the world and it is really amazing how many people think that way. I used to think that way and I am sure sometimes I still do but I do my best to stay balanced.

I had so many other thoughts on my walk but as I sit down that is the only one that comes to my mind. I guess it is the only thought that weights heavier on me then I realized. I guess that leaving all my friends behind in Italy and possibly never seeing them again is part of why I am focused on death. I am reading a book now called On The Road by Kerouac and it really made me realize that sometimes you just know you will never see people again when you meet them on the road. You have a great encounter, a meaningful conversation, a passionate love affair, and then you move on. When I look at myself I wonder how I will fit into the memories of my adventure buddies and wonder how I will remember them. I have met people that have changed my life, I have met drinking buddies, I have met lovers, I have met my past, and I have met my future. And let me tell you, they are both really scary. One is scary because I am leaving behind something that meant so much to me and the other is because I have no idea what I may find along the way. I wonder if I will ever find the happiness I once had or if I will never find love again. These are thoughts that are pointless however because I won't ever know until I know. And even then, life is full of change, constant change. All I know is that the journey to find myself will continue.

Peaks and Valleys

There are two things in life that I find more often then not, Peaks and Valleys. On the good days I ride the waves to my peak of happiness and then I crash into a valley. Italy and this lifestyle has been amazing and a true peak of happiness but I can feel the rubble shaking under my feet and know soon I will crash back into the literal valley. I am not ready for this yet. I wonder sometimes if the good times in my life are only there as placeholders till the next horrible thing happens. I am doing my best to keep my shit together but I am seeming to fail lately over and over again. I don't know whats coming for me next and true, this can be exciting but I have this odd feeling whats coming next will be rough. I have to move back to Los Angeles to become a man and to take care of my family. I have only two people left in my entire family and as much as I never wanted to be the man of the family, its not up to me. I have a responsibility to take care of the ladies who gave their lives for me. They did everything they could just to make sure I was happy and had the best of everything.

I grew up in a single parent household. I am a single child and was raising mainly by my grandmother. Not because my mom wasn't there but because she had to go out and hustle and make sure we could eat and have a roof over our head. When I was little I focused on all the things I didn't have because others around me seemed to rub it in my face all the time. Yeah, I don't have a dad, so what? Yeah, we never lived in a house, so what? Yeah, I watched my grandma have a stroke in front of my eyes, so what? Yeah, I could go on and on about all the bad things that have happened in my life, so what?

So the point is that for every bad thing that has ever happened to me there have been four people standing there with a smile on their faces, sometimes forced, but always there to let me know things will get better and be ok. They taught me to appreciate the things I had instead of focusing on the things I didn't have. They taught me to be happy by being yourself and not letting other people break you down. They taught me the  most important thing of all, Amor es todo!

My mom taught me more then anyone of the four. She taught me that when life breaks you down, when it is trying to crush you under its weight, the trick is to just roll with it. Brush it off once you can stand back up and keep going. She used to ask me often if I liked having my face rubbed in shit? I used to think this was really mean and cruel to ask someone who was hurt. It wasn't meant like that I realized as years went on and I kept wondering what she meant by that. She was hurt when I was hurt and I realize that now. I realize that she has had nothing but the best of intentions for me my entire existence because I am part of her. We are one. We are a team. Just me and her against the world. That is how my entire life has felt, that my mom and I have had to battle daily to make it through the peaks and valleys. My fear of moving home isn't that I have to see my mom every day but that I will not be able to take care of her as well as she has always taken care of me. I don't want to let her down. I can't let her down. So with that said, I will do my best every day to make sure I am happy so that I can help others around me be happy. When people are sad and trying to put their emotions in a box, I won't ask them anything. I will just sit there with them and pass the time until they need me.

I will do my best to keep my pitcher full so that I can fill up everyone else's glass.

I'll take care of me?

If I have learned one thing this year it is this, When my back is up against the wall and I don't think I can take anymore and I feel like it couldn't get any worse yet some how does, thats when I am at my best. Oddly enough.

Currently the life I am living is nothing short of a miracle. The stars had to align just right to allow me to be here in Italy. I never knew I had to come and that I had to experience these things. Now I can see that this was all completely necessary. The joys, heartaches, hangovers, friends, and the coffee, oh it was all completely necessary for me to see all this. I had to see it so that I could change. So that I could open my eyes and realize that the world is much bigger then just California. I have realized that I some how got a late start but man do i plan on making up for it.

I have four upcoming trips in the next 8 weeks. The craziest part of this journey is that it is coming to an end. I have actually bought my ticket back to America and will be on a plane June 30th heading to New York. So that means 4 weeks to make the most of here in Florence and 4 weeks to see the world a bit more. I am excited for these upcoming trips but am mainly just excited to learn something new. The idea of going somewhere I have never been really makes me feel blessed. The more I can learn the better I can understand the world.