Roman Holiday

Well Christmas has come and gone again and this time it was quite special for me. I traveled to Rome and it almost seemed like an out of body experience. The special part of this Roman trip wasn't the Christmas Eve Mass at the Vatican, it wasn't the Colosseum or Forum, it wasn't the Vatican museum and all its priceless wonders, it was purely about letting go of my grandmother.

The first night I spent in Rome was amazing and filled with a trip to the Colosseum and the Forum which are truly amazing feats of mankind. I did prefer the Forum a bit more but probably that was because we were aloud to walk around more freely amongst the ruins. Either way the evening was the best part of the entire trip for me. I feel asleep around 7pm and had one of the oddest and most vivid dreams of my entire life. I often have lucid dreams in which I can control what is happening and am fully aware in the dream that I am dreaming. This dream was nothing like that or any other dream I have ever had. It seemed more as if was real and I was literally experiencing this. I hesitate to use the term "Out of body experience" but it might be the closest way to explain what I felt.

So let's get to the dream then, It starts off with a long journey of pointless obstacles which are not really relevant to the story. I just had this overwhelming feeling that I needed to finish all these tasks because I was avoiding dealing with something that was very important yet I was very scared of. Finally I finish all these tasks and take one deep breathe. I close my eyes and I think, "Ok now I'm ready." Bam! Just like that I am watching my grandmother dying in front of my eyes yet I am to afraid to look so I pretend that I don't see her. She catches my eye though and looks at me. There are people around her trying to hold her spirit up with positive words and thoughts. Yet all that she sees is me and instantly I run to her and she hugs me. She reaches out and grabs my hands and says, "Jason I am in so much pain, you must let me go." Her eyes closed and her body fell limp into my arms. I held her as I told her that it was ok for her to go on and that I would be alright, everything would be alright."

That seemed like the end of the dream to me and I knew then I was ready to wake up but no. The dream continued and this is the part that made me feel something I have never felt before and could never properly put into words. My grandmother and I were in a dark place with a white light tunnel. She and I were standing together holding hands. We began to walk towards the light together and in a brief moment she looked at me and told me that she needed to go on by herself and that I wasn't ready to come with her yet. After hearing those words and seeing this vision so clearly I woke up in a cold sweat. I had never felt such a feeling of loneliness before and I knew she was really gone. Her spirit had come to let me walker to the other side because she knew how upset I was with myself that I wasn't there when she died here in her physical form.

Going to Rome was amazing because it allowed me to realize a dream come true. Knowing that my grandmother moved on is a sense of peace that I didn't know I needed until I found it. I have to say there was much more to this trip then just this story and my first day adventures but this blog is long enough already. I will just add some pictures now to show you how amazing my time in Rome was.

It's almost Christmas

If you would have told me last years that I would be living in Italy and celebrating Christmas with my ex-girlfriend in Rome, I would have never believed it. Yet here I am.

I am leaving in a few hours to Rome for the first time ever and am very excited about it. Not because of Rome, not because of the adventure that is in front of me, not because of anything other than the opportunity to pay my respect to my Grandmother. She passed away this summer and it was very difficult for my family and I but we all knew it was the best thing for her. It is never easy to let a love one go and I don't think that family ever leaves your heart. She will never be missed because she is with me everyday. She shaped me as a person and many of my characteristics are because of her. Every year after Christmas eve mass we would all return home and she would pray in front of the T.V. while the Pope gave his mass. Well in order to pay my repeats to her, I will be going to Rome to watch the Pope give Christmas eve mass. This is one of the most important moments of my life because it will bring me closer to my family then I have ever been before. The idea of love is eternal in my eyes because from the moment I was breathing till the moment I die they are part of my existence.

This will be my first Christmas in a different country and so far away from home. I have not been home for the holidays for many years now but mainly because I have always had to work. I am actually looking forward to the holidays in the future when I can be closer to my family and friends. The holidays are about love and appreciation in my eyes and I must say I have many people who show me both love and appreciation much more than I show it back. This trip to Italy has opened my eyes to my finite time on this planet and I must use every moment I can to appreciate and love as much as possible.
So from this point I will do my best to be more open, loving, and caring towards the world.

A New Day

I looked at myself today in the mirror and I was confused. I have a beard now, my hair is getting long for me, and now I seem to have pimples. My body seems to be changing and it's really odd to me. Grow up and growing older and two completely different things. I am however doing both at the same time which isn't always the case. In the past two years I have done all I could to escape the reality I had been setting myself up for. I bought into the working a boring job just to have stuff, the real American dream I guess. That's not my dream. I want more than just stuff, I want experiences. I want to experience a life that goes with the flow and can blow in the wind. I want to be able to have no home and become a nomad. The idea of home has always been important to me but now it seems like something I want to run away from. It's very strange because home is a lovely place. It's got friends, family, and familiarity. And maybe just maybe that's what I'm afraid of. I don't want to just fall into a stagnant life that blows through weeks because I can't tell Monday apart from Friday. Rather I would prefer that confusion because I haven't looked at a calendar for a month. Life is about surviving not making money. Now there are truly different levels of survival but reality is that I started at the bottom and I'm ok here. People may have had more and less than me but I'm finally happy with what I had and appreciate it more now that I understand the struggle of what my mom went through to give me all that she could. And she did one hell of a job, I usually got what I wanted cause she would do anything to see my smile. The idea of a person that would die to make you happy is something I hope I can find a few more times in this lifetime. But if not, I will always know that I was blessed to have such Ana amazing person in my life. 

I want this week to be dedicated to my grandmother. Every day I will take a bit of time and reflect of our good times together. The lessons she taught me and the many amazing experiences we shared. Today I remember the time she bought me two mice and let me keep them in a bird cage. I found out that mice could fit through very tiny spaces through that experience which led to dead mice found many years later. Oh grandma, you were crazy in the best kind of way. 

Anyways that's it for now. I am listening to daft punk in a bar having a coffee. Italy has really made me appreciate the coffee house because it's time to reflect and relax. I have no worries when I am sitting and thinking. I am at peace when I don't move. That sounds strange but I mean it. Music, coffee, deep thoughts and reflections, this is my happiness right now. I have found a way to escape my reality for a bit and enjoy life. The beauty is that I really think with this experience I might finally be on a true road to happiness. Cheers to that!

Moment is Everything

Today was a day filled with positive moments and one shocking blow. I began this day by watching a movie about the Mafia. I happen to be in Italy and for the time being it seems like Mafia moves are a stand out option. After this movie ended around 10am I went back to sleep and woke up around 3pm. At this point I walked across the bridge and began to write in my personal journal. Besides my blog which is public I have started a personal journal meant to get everything off of my chest. Basically a lot more complaining than I do here on this page. As for the shocking blow, you probably guessed it, ex-girlfriend issues. It is funny how the world works sometimes and lets just leave it at that.

The point of this blog is not to complain about girls hurting my feelings or stories of sleepy afternoons but rather it is about logging my personal growth and achievements over this period of time that I will be in Italy. I am growing as a person because my normal reality is constantly being ripped apart on a daily basis. Everything seems to be changing at such a rapid pace and I am the only one that seems to be aware of this. This must mean it is happening only to me at this moment in my life. While other people may be experience similar growing periods in life right now, this experience is truly unique to me. I am the one who feels the pain before the joy, I am the one that has to hit the bottom before I can start my journey to the top, and I am the only one who can learn how to make myself happy on a daily basis.

I wish no bad thoughts on anyone especially the ones who have hurt me. I know that they did not hurt me rather it was my mindset that allowed the pain into my reality. The only reality that does exist is that life is what I make it. If I choose to be happy, sad, morose, gloomy, etc., I will be it. This is much easier said than done, I promise you all that. In my journal I record my thoughts on my own existence, my ability to help the world achieve a perspective of the bigger picture, and I focus on the power that lays inside of my mind which is hardly utilized. I am looking to grow my mind and my spirit in this next decade and with that growth bring some knowledge and prosperity to the world. This blog may be the preachiest and off-topic entry yet but all of this needs to be said.

"I am Jason Brooks and I am on a journey to find happiness."

I often tell people that I do not want a career or a job ever but since I live in this reality I know I will have to earn money to survive. I will get by one way or the other but always because life allows me another day. My actions and thoughts all come from the same place in life; confusion. I am confused about life because I do not understand it. How I can exist in this time and be who I am while others have come before me and will leave after me? This may not make sense to many but to me the idea of being eternally happy is something I have been searching for my entire life, even before I knew I was. I hope that I can continue this search for a lifetime because the second someone believes they have found happiness it will change on them. People are only happy until they are not. I believe my only option now is to choose happiness for a lifetime.

Done with the first semester of my Master's Program!

Well here we are, at the end of the middle.

I never thought I would be living in Italy let alone pursuing my master's degree here in graphic design. This semester has been one hell of a ride though. In my American University I only took 4 courses a semester yet here in Italy they made me take 8 classes. Next semester I will take 8 classes again and its basically because they are forcing two years worth of work into one year. Wow! This has been intense and all I know is that next semester I will put a lot more effort into my work because this semester has been filled with randomly Italian adventures.

I came to Italy scared, confused, love-blind, and not sure of anything. It has now been a bit more than three months and I don't feel anything that I felt when I got here. I never realized that three months could be filled with so much fun, sadness, pain, and real joy. It has been one hell of a ride and I still have seven more months to go. I have met people so far on this journey that will be friends forever, I have met people who came and went just as they were meant to, and I have met people that were lovers that will be nothing but a memory when I go back to America. All I can really say is that right now, I am happy when I look myself in the mirror.

This life is to short to hold grudges and be mad. The girl I loved hit me with some intense news last night and WOW, I never saw that coming. All I know is that even the people you trust the most aren't always honest with you. Everyone is playing the game of survival and we have to respect that. I end this blog with such a simple and beautiful song. Remember that smiling faces tell lies.

Smile because today is a gift!

Finding Inspiration

Life is a funny things sometimes. Right when everything feels like it has come together, bam!, it all falls apart. Sure this is a scary thing when it happens and for me it has been one hell of a ride. I was told before coming out here that I was supposed to listen to life and be open to what I am presented with. Well coming from a lifetime of American culture and thoughts, it is very difficult to just open your mind over night. Luckily I have been here almost three months now and I am learning about the Italian way of life.

Top: Garden View

Bottom: Reaching Heart

Everything here in Florence is a bit slower than what I am used to. The shops all seem a bit off somehow as do many of the product. There are security guards at markets who lurk and creep you out while you are also allowed to drink while wondering around in the streets. This place seems to be a city that runs on very few laws and a lot more of presence. There are always a good amount of police walking around in my neighborhood because its a tourist location. Honestly I have never seen them doing anything except heard the African vendors from place to place.

I have been inspired lately by the idea of travel. The idea that I have taken my life from a job to an adventure. I am lucky to be here and I know this fact to be extremely true. With that said, I am loving every moment out here even on the days that I might seem blue. The best part of going to sleep at night is knowing that I am about to rest my head in Europe. I have had the great pleasure of going to see a few places here in Europe so far and am really hoping to see a few more. I might not be able to because surviving out here is expensive enough.

I am at a standstill with how I feel . I see what is happening here in my life and it doesn't seem to matter that I am in Italy. Life is life, pain is pain, and happiness, well I'm not exactly what that is anymore. I am at this odd place in my life where everything seems to be changing at such a crazy fast pace that I can't understand what is happening. I have let people I love walk all over me because I mistook it for something else. Maybe I just let them because I thought they would eventually change. I find myself to be a pretty nice person and I heard from way to many girls here in Italy that happens to be my biggest flaw. I DISAGREE!!!

I can't imagine that being nice and caring can be a bad thing. Trust me I am not perfect, not even close. But I am trying to be a better person every day. Somedays I succeed and some days I fail but the times I fail teach me how to succeed. I am living in a situation that is very difficult for me because I have so much frustration in this current moment. I happen to think I deserve better also!

Well on the brighter side of things. Last night was our ugly christmas sweater party which was really fun. I dressed up as Santa and seemed to really make the party have that little extra. I sat outside of my apartment for about two hours taking pictures with random tourist and Italians. People seemed to respond really well to it even though it was a super tacky outfit.

This blog seems to be all over the place because thats exactly how I feel right now. I am in the final week of classes for my first week of my semester and lets just say all the stress is starting to kick it. I will pull an all night shift to complete my work and then work my butt off the next few days to complete everything as well as I can. I have to stop letting things and people distract me. I seem to get stuck and sucked into my head way to often.

Cross Color Processing

I have been working on a bit of cross color processing. Here is a short clip of some of my recent work.