U.S.ehhh.

Its funny how life can run full circle sometime. I left the San Fernando Valley when I was 18 years old with absolutely no intention of ever coming back. Honestly, I hated the valley and would've been perfectly happy to never cross paths with it again. Yet here I am at 30 years old sitting in my childhood room wonder how the hell this happened. When I left to Italy a year ago I had my own apartment in San Francisco, a good job in San Francisco, and a damn good life now that hindsight has set in. Well a lot can happen in a year and damn, it really did. This blog was supposed to be about how Europe changed my life but I had this moment of clarity the other day and realized it wasn't Europe that changed me, it was me that inevitable to change at any given time. When we are stuck in the routine most people search for so desperately we tend to forget about what is really important in life to us. Now that I have been back in America I tend to keep getting the same questions, So Jason, what's next? Oh, you don't have any plans for your future? Why would you do that? How do you plan on having a good life if you don't know what you want to do with it?

Ok....ok....ok....I get it.
People are curious. They love to ask questions and project fears. I have lived my entire life being raised in a family full of fear and situations that haven't always been Kosher. So lets say I developed more of a backbone then most people. But I have been thinking a lot lately and would like to share the answers I think I have come up with for those questions people seem to keep hitting me with.

1. So, Jason what's next?
I don't know what will come next. Life is to unpredictable to plan so far into the future and in my personal experience even planning into the next day can come with life changing ramifications. Although planning is great tool, it isn't really for me. I have spent the year thinking about the big picture of life and realizing that everything I ever plan is always altered, complicated, or just plain not what I expected. So I have started to maintain this new mentality that allows me to go into any situation with the same wonder and excitement I had when I was a child. Remember when you were little and everything was amazing? Yeah, That is exactly how I am trying to see the world again. I want that amazement back that I used to have when I felt a cool breeze touch my face or when I saw a puppy playing with his shadow. The point is that opening my eyes to the world and being grateful for every moment is what is next for me.

2. Oh, you don't have any plans for your future?
This is always my favorite question. Of course I have hopes for my future but plans? Nope. I once had this image in my head about how I wanted this family, house, dog, job, blah, blah, blah. BORING!!!! I realized that this idea wasn't my idea. This idea was put into my head by watching the society around me and thinking this is what would make me happy. I have changed my mind drastically on this previous view and now my plans are to figure out how to rearrange my hopes for my future. Maybe I will have kids, maybe I won't. Maybe I will buy a boat instead of having a wife. Maybe I will get married and never get that dream boat. No. I can't predict the future but I have hopes. Thats the best I can do for now.

3.Why would you do that?
 Because honestly happiness is the only thing I am focused on in this lifetime. The moments I have spent sad have all been blessings but I am tired of having them and will focus on not having them anymore.

4. How do you plan on having a good life if you don't low what you want to do with it?
Now, this is the last question I am generally asked. Sometimes it comes off more backhanded then this but the best way to answer this question is purely with time. I have worked very hard on setting myself up for good things in the future but for now I am focusing on the small daily blessings that cross my path. I don't like to plan much but the idea of a good life for a lifetime is quite appealing, isn't it? I have watched my family for many years and have hoped for one thing, to not end up like them. They have all had lives filled with misfortune and extremely difficult times that most people would not be able to overcome. Now after I have had a full year to travel, mostly alone, has given me plenty of time to pray in churches all over Europe. In these places I realized that I was so dumb to not want to be like my family. They are strong, resilient, smart, and nice people. I would be lucky to be anything like them so my plans for the future are to be more like my family and then I will have a good life.

48 hours and counting . . .

Well it has come to be a reality that my life here in Italy is now ending and a new shift in my path is happening. I am moving to Los Angeles, California in less then a month and leaving my home in Italy in two days. I woke up in a panic and a sudden realization that it was a reality I could not avoid, as much as I would love to. So much change has already happened this year and now I can only see the horizon that has always been confusing to me. The horizon is the most mysterious thing I have ever seen. When I was younger I would sit on the cliffs in San Diego are wonder for hours about the horizon. Was it the beginning of something or was it the end of something, I think after all these years I have figured out that it is both at the same time. My eyes allow me to see as far as the world will allow and then past that, its just constant change. I could fill this particular blog with tons of things I learned this year and how much I grew as a person but really all I care about is what is coming next. I know there will be things that will be very difficult in the near future for me to deal with but I hope I am able to maintain and thrive again with particular relationships. I don't know what is coming next or if it will be enjoyable or not but I do know this, change is coming and this seems to be the calm before the storm.

Thank you for everything Firenze

As my time comes to an end here in Italy I am reminded of something I was told this year, life is about destiny. Destiny puts you where you need to be and Karma is what helps you make your decisions once destiny has placed you in a situation. Now almost a year has past since deciding to come to Italy and its time to pack up soon and head back to Los Angeles. I have no idea what will come next for me and gosh, thats just a bit exciting. I am scared as hell, yup but hey aren't we all??

I know when destiny is ready for me to see what is next, then I will. For now I will do my best to live in the moments that are before me and appreciate all the fantastic memories that I have acquired this year. So a bit of a recap of my favorite memories of my year abroad in Italy.

-My first trip with Max and Xavier to Barcelona and Paris is one of my most charished memories of my entire life. We partied till the sun came up in Barcelona, we dined like Kings, we meet great friends, and we some how made it to Paris where we popped bottles under the Eiffel tower. We gave some kid whiskey and he got us into VIP for this amazing concert. We saw the Louvre and let me tell you, that is the most amazing museum in the entire world!

-I met these amazing people from California in Italy of all places. These people were just what I was looking for and didn't even know I was looking. They made me feel so welcomed and happy instantly and I truly can't wait to cross paths with all of them when I get back.

-I met Erin, Peaches, Amy, and Myself for the first time. Erin was a friend of a friend that ended up being on of the best friends I have ever made. She is a person that can light up any room and I am so blessed to have found someone I can relate to on so many levels. Peaches, well she is just the best thing ever! I love this chick. She and I have partied, raged, cried, traveled, and even once slept in the same bed. There really isn't anything else to say except I am keeping her forever. Amy, my lovely Brit. This chick was something special to me also. I only knew her for half the year but she and I had some amazing times. We didn't hang out much but when we did it was usually for 24 hours minimum. I don't know what it was about her but I really hope she doesn't just fade away. And meeting myself for the first time was a trip. You may read this and say that I am full of it or just dumb but the reality is most of us need a lifetime to meet ourselves. I am constantly doing things that I didn't even know I wanted to or was capable of. I remember half way into the year I looked into the mirror and I saw myself for the first time. Truly looked into my eyes and told myself that I was proud to meet me. Oddly enough, it was the moment I became a happy person. I have love in my heart for the first time in years instead of the rage that lingered over the decades. I plan on taking this back with me and doing my best to keep pushing my positivity forward and learning everyday how to be a better person.

-Living in the Ponte house. What a blast! Living in this 13th century apartment on the river right next to the Uffizi and Ponte Vecchio has really been nothing more then magical. I have lived with 6 of the nicest, moodiest, craziest, loveliest people I have ever met. We had amazing parties which according to many people were EPIC!!! We had lots of drinking nights with the homies. We had lots of great talks. And kept it a truly Cali vibe in the house which I needed more then you all will ever know.

-Going to Rome to say good bye to my grandmas spirit. I swear the first night I went to Rome I had an out of body experience where my grandma who just passed away told me that she was with me everywhere that I went and that I needed to let her go. I couldn't go any further in life until I let go of the past. This is a lesson I have learned over and over again this year and its only because of my grandma who is still teaching me things even after she has gone.

Honestly I could go on and on but these are the most important things that have happened to me this year. I want to thank you all for being supportive of me this year. It has helped me become a stronger and better person. Much love.

3 steps closer

Well it is June 4th and three of my seven roommates have moved back home. One has gone to Bulgaria where she will spend her summer between there and Greece. She seems as if she will be suited to have the best summer but the type of person she is, I don't know if she would actually appreciate it. The Xavier left just a few days ago which caught me off guard because it really did make me tear up quite a lot. I found Xavier to be a very interesting guy for many reasons but mainly because he was the houses wildcard. We never knew what he may do and he often shocked us all. He is a crazy mother but he is a good guy. And then last night around 4am big Eric took off back to California. It didn't really hit me the same way I thought it would but mainly because we had all been drinking for hours so by the time it actually happened, it seemed fake like he was just on his way to another vacation like we have all taken over the course of the year. Except this time he isn't coming back.

Well I guess that is how it goes and now there are only a few of the originals left in the house. Max has taken off for what seems to be a tremendous adventure that will span most of the month and take him to four different countries. Then there is Victoria, who honestly is like a ghost when she is here anyways. Jessica will stay a month longer then everyone else which should prove to be interesting. And then all thats left is me, I will leave Florence on June 30th and be heading back to New York.

I have been lucky enough to have met some amazing people along the way and one has offered me a place to stay for a few nights when I arrive in Brooklyn. That should be interesting because I here a lot of crazy things about New York and especially Brooklyn. From there I will be traveling to Philadelphia with my buddy Peaches and this is when the next adventure begins. We will essentially be driving across America by way of New York to Los Angeles.

I hardly find myself to be a reader but lately I have felt this passion to learn and to appreciate the thoughts of others who have taken the time to formulate a story with the intention of teaching us something. I am currently reading "On the Road" by Jack Kerauc and honestly that book is just what I needed. It is the story of a man who leaves his home, travels from New York to California and finds himself along the way. I guess in life many of us are constantly searching for something, for a purpose, for a reason to continue on, and this book has open my eyes to this fact. There are times when I get caught up with a one sided perspective that is only focused on me and that is the worst way to live. I must go back to my roots and learn to be for the people again the way my mother raised me. I really love helping others and in order to be happy I must enjoy the smiles I can put on others faces.

And the journey continues

I have found on this adventure that I do my best thinking while I am wondering around the streets of Florence. My mind takes off and its as if I have a subconscious thought process going on that is filling me in on what I have been thinking. Today is no different but the shitty part is that by the time I get to the computer my thoughts don't match up properly. They are close but not as eloquent as in my head. So I will do my best to work out this thought process here and share it.

Today is memorial day and it is a great way to celebrate the United States troops and give them a day of memory and praise for their selfless service to their country. The only issue I have with that date is that it is the same as the day my dad died. In most circumstances this would've been a difficult experience for most people but the problem is that I never knew him. I missed out on getting to know him. I didn't know I was robed of so much until years later when i actually heard he died but thats besides the point. I find it funny that I have an official marker date of when my dad died to help remind me forever. That is just so nice of life to do that for me. I sometimes can't help but laugh at life because I see a reality, I see the one that I wish for, and the one that is. I have heard so much from people all over the world the same thing in this year and its quite odd, they say "The grass is always greener on the other side." I have heard that from citizens of the world and it is really amazing how many people think that way. I used to think that way and I am sure sometimes I still do but I do my best to stay balanced.

I had so many other thoughts on my walk but as I sit down that is the only one that comes to my mind. I guess it is the only thought that weights heavier on me then I realized. I guess that leaving all my friends behind in Italy and possibly never seeing them again is part of why I am focused on death. I am reading a book now called On The Road by Kerouac and it really made me realize that sometimes you just know you will never see people again when you meet them on the road. You have a great encounter, a meaningful conversation, a passionate love affair, and then you move on. When I look at myself I wonder how I will fit into the memories of my adventure buddies and wonder how I will remember them. I have met people that have changed my life, I have met drinking buddies, I have met lovers, I have met my past, and I have met my future. And let me tell you, they are both really scary. One is scary because I am leaving behind something that meant so much to me and the other is because I have no idea what I may find along the way. I wonder if I will ever find the happiness I once had or if I will never find love again. These are thoughts that are pointless however because I won't ever know until I know. And even then, life is full of change, constant change. All I know is that the journey to find myself will continue.

Peaks and Valleys

There are two things in life that I find more often then not, Peaks and Valleys. On the good days I ride the waves to my peak of happiness and then I crash into a valley. Italy and this lifestyle has been amazing and a true peak of happiness but I can feel the rubble shaking under my feet and know soon I will crash back into the literal valley. I am not ready for this yet. I wonder sometimes if the good times in my life are only there as placeholders till the next horrible thing happens. I am doing my best to keep my shit together but I am seeming to fail lately over and over again. I don't know whats coming for me next and true, this can be exciting but I have this odd feeling whats coming next will be rough. I have to move back to Los Angeles to become a man and to take care of my family. I have only two people left in my entire family and as much as I never wanted to be the man of the family, its not up to me. I have a responsibility to take care of the ladies who gave their lives for me. They did everything they could just to make sure I was happy and had the best of everything.

I grew up in a single parent household. I am a single child and was raising mainly by my grandmother. Not because my mom wasn't there but because she had to go out and hustle and make sure we could eat and have a roof over our head. When I was little I focused on all the things I didn't have because others around me seemed to rub it in my face all the time. Yeah, I don't have a dad, so what? Yeah, we never lived in a house, so what? Yeah, I watched my grandma have a stroke in front of my eyes, so what? Yeah, I could go on and on about all the bad things that have happened in my life, so what?

So the point is that for every bad thing that has ever happened to me there have been four people standing there with a smile on their faces, sometimes forced, but always there to let me know things will get better and be ok. They taught me to appreciate the things I had instead of focusing on the things I didn't have. They taught me to be happy by being yourself and not letting other people break you down. They taught me the  most important thing of all, Amor es todo!

My mom taught me more then anyone of the four. She taught me that when life breaks you down, when it is trying to crush you under its weight, the trick is to just roll with it. Brush it off once you can stand back up and keep going. She used to ask me often if I liked having my face rubbed in shit? I used to think this was really mean and cruel to ask someone who was hurt. It wasn't meant like that I realized as years went on and I kept wondering what she meant by that. She was hurt when I was hurt and I realize that now. I realize that she has had nothing but the best of intentions for me my entire existence because I am part of her. We are one. We are a team. Just me and her against the world. That is how my entire life has felt, that my mom and I have had to battle daily to make it through the peaks and valleys. My fear of moving home isn't that I have to see my mom every day but that I will not be able to take care of her as well as she has always taken care of me. I don't want to let her down. I can't let her down. So with that said, I will do my best every day to make sure I am happy so that I can help others around me be happy. When people are sad and trying to put their emotions in a box, I won't ask them anything. I will just sit there with them and pass the time until they need me.

I will do my best to keep my pitcher full so that I can fill up everyone else's glass.

I'll take care of me?

If I have learned one thing this year it is this, When my back is up against the wall and I don't think I can take anymore and I feel like it couldn't get any worse yet some how does, thats when I am at my best. Oddly enough.

Currently the life I am living is nothing short of a miracle. The stars had to align just right to allow me to be here in Italy. I never knew I had to come and that I had to experience these things. Now I can see that this was all completely necessary. The joys, heartaches, hangovers, friends, and the coffee, oh it was all completely necessary for me to see all this. I had to see it so that I could change. So that I could open my eyes and realize that the world is much bigger then just California. I have realized that I some how got a late start but man do i plan on making up for it.

I have four upcoming trips in the next 8 weeks. The craziest part of this journey is that it is coming to an end. I have actually bought my ticket back to America and will be on a plane June 30th heading to New York. So that means 4 weeks to make the most of here in Florence and 4 weeks to see the world a bit more. I am excited for these upcoming trips but am mainly just excited to learn something new. The idea of going somewhere I have never been really makes me feel blessed. The more I can learn the better I can understand the world.

Just for now, Just for fun

As each day passes and I have less and less time here in Italy I have been forcing myself to push my limits even more than I have in the previous 8 months. I have met some interesting people who are helping me understand things that I never knew I didn't understand, which is insane because I thought I knew everything that I needed to know. The stupidest thing I have ever thought or said is that I thought I knew everything I needed to know. I have learned to listen to others, to open my eyes and see the worlds beauty again, I have learned to not listen to others, and I have learned to close my eyes and heighten my other senses. The point I am getting at is that I am finding a balance in life for the first time ever and truly understand that I know nothing. I want to continue to pursue a daily education and push myself to learn as much as possible about everything I possibly can.

As I am sitting here in Italy in the Oblate I am surrounded by people who are putting in the work. I don't know what they are working towards or for but I see that they are putting time in. My biggest problem is I have been in school for so damn long now that I can't even believe I put myself back into school after I achieved my bachelors degree. A masters degree will come in handy down the line but I am staring to realize a few things about myself and formulating ideas about my potential future. I would like to now share a few ideas and thoughts that I have had lately. I want this to be shared because maybe someone in the world can help me make these things happen or maybe I will just use this as a way to remind myself of what I want to do with my future.

1- When I get back to Los Angeles I will begin to place art installations all over the city. They will be in various places that people will accidentally stumble upon. The idea is to create an art piece that confuses people while also giving them a sense of awe when they stumble upon my art pieces. Details of the art installation will be released at a more appropriate time.

2- I want to meet at least 5 new people every week. I want this to be something I force myself to do because it will be great for networking. I also want to overcome the idea that anyone is better than anyone else. I have learned from my life experiences that people are people, good or bad, they are all just trying to figure out their shit.

3- Spend more time with my family and close friends. I have spent the last 12 years avoiding contact with family and certain friends because my pride and my ego wouldn't allow me to lower my guard. A year removed from your friends and family really allows you to see how important they are to you. It also helps you realize that someday they might not be there for you, so enjoy as much time as you can with them.

4- Don't be afraid to tell people I love them. This is something that is really important to me in terms of something I need to improve upon. I was once told by my Grandfather, "Amor es Todo." These were the wisest words anyone ever shared with me. I have learned the simplest thoughts can hold tremendous weight. The reason it is important to never forget to tell the people you love that you do is because there is always that slight chance it could be your last time ever saying it to them. If you love someone then don't be afraid to let them know.

5- Watch the clouds more often and day dream. When I was in high school my best buddy and I used to sit on Ventura blvd and watch the clouds go by for hours. It was a simple time but it was a time that I will remember forever. Like I said, some of the simplest things can hold tremendous weight in life. My few months in Italy has restarted my love for sitting still and watching the clouds transform in the sky. This helps me day dream by choosing what clouds actually look like something real. Day dreaming is important because it clears your mind and allows you to not think about anything other than the beauty of that moment in your life.

6- Appreciate the little things. I feel like this one is doesn't need an explanation. Truly it is important to stop every once and awhile to just look around and appreciate the moment you have been blessed with. Deep breathes and gorgeous views really help your mind go to a better place.

7- Smile as much as possible. The more you smile, the more people will be attracted to you. I feel like the sentence I have heard the last few months is, "do you ever stop smiling?" My only response ever is, "Nope. I am to damn happy." Remember happiness starts and ends in your head. If you think your happy, then you are. I see life as black and white. There is only good and bad, right or wrong, left or right, up or down, etc. You get it, right?

8- Find your own rules to live by. These are my rules and things I have learned along the way. In my 30 years of life experience I have buried some amazing people, I have had some epic adventures, I have had some great lovers, I have cried and felt helpless, and I have always come out of each experience with a sense of understanding and happiness because every thing is a learning experience. You should use your particular life experiences to figure out how to live the best life you can. What may work for me might not work at all for you or maybe you should do the exact same thing as I am doing. Really, it doesn't matter. Just find your rules that will bring you to actual happiness.

These are just a few thoughts that I have had lately and really wanted to share them. Remember, life is always changing and its truly for a reason. The reason is, if everything stayed the same all the time then life would be so boring. Life is amazing because you never know what may happen in the next moment.

3 Months Left . . . or is it???

Apparently it is true that when you are having fun time does fly by. Every day seems to get better then the previous day and I hope that never stops. I understand that not every day is going to be this amazing experience but why can't it be? I believe the only thing that stands in my way is the chaos of life. And isn't that just a beautiful thing? If life never changed, never challenged me, gave me everything on a silver plater, then who the hell would I be today? Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that this year has been nothing but a privilege that most people will never have and I still feel as this much be a dream but sometimes I just wonder if life could ever get better than this? So far, this year has been the best year of my life. I have felt so many damn emotions since this journey began.

Life starts with fear and pain. So did this journey. I was afraid of all the changes I was about to experience. I was leaving my city, my job, my friends, my family, and the absolutely most difficult thing was leaving the love of my life behind. I know that she is being taken care of and when I get back Chloe and I will  be together again. Chloe is my baby. My ten year old Staffordshire Terrier.

I was in a relationship that was consuming me and I loved it. She was moving to Italy and it seemed logical to me to follow her just so I could wake up next to her. Oddly enough, she didn't really want or appreciate that gesture as much as I thought she would. Oh well, Lesson learned. Now it did take me a while to get over all that and lets be honest, its still a work in progress. I know she has been doing her thing and moving on while considering her past while I am doing pretty much the same thing. I am really happened that this happened here in this situation because many people who travel are looking for something and sometimes that something might just be you.

Now life has been a constant roller coast lately. Nothing bad really, intact everything is quite amazing. I am just confused on how it is possible to be this damn happy all the time. All I have to do now is just figure out how to maintain this happiness level. I think its because the people I have surrounded myself with actually seem to enjoy my company. They don't want or need anything from me except friendship, thats just amazing to me.

So the true point of this post, time is coming to an end here and I am about 5 classes away from completing my Masters Degree in Graphic Design. What??? Wow!!! I can't even believe it. I can't wait to see where my path in life takes me because I feel like I am on a roll right now. I am planning on flying back to America and then driving across it with my homie, Peaches. I hope that goes well.
Besides that I have a few more trips coming up and they are mostly islands in the Mediterranean Sea. I can't wait to get my tan game going.

Ciao, till the next time I have something to say .  . .

Thinking outside the box

Every day for the last 7 months I have woken up in Europe. It still blows my mind that this is my life right now and that life really can be this spectacular. The really crazy thing is that it seems to only get better day by day. I have learned more about myself lately and have been pushing myself to improve myself again. I don't know exactly how it had happened but i am truly happy with myself again. This happiness is crucial to my survival as an artist. I can not think when I am not happy. Years ago I would look at a blank sheet of paper and instantly see something on the paper. I would never draw anything but I would free the paper of its all natural state. I really had lost my vision and when I looked, I saw nothing. I still don't completely see what I used to but I do see something again. I am looking harder then ever before because I remember how important my vision has always been. I used to see the world with such wonder and awe but it has lost its luster after years of the same activities with people who didn't positively affect my life. I allowed myself to loose myself. I really believe that this experience here has put me back on the track to find myself.

Bubbles . . .

Collecting memories constantly is fun! Especially when you take the time to sit down and look back on your special moments in life that have brought you so much joy. I have been sitting on my couch for about 30 minutes now and I feel like this is the first time I have sat still in a long time. I have developed a hunger for life! Its truly what drives me to wake up in the morning and why it has been difficult for me to focus completely on my schooling out here because there is just way to much to do outside every day. I have never been so excited in my life when I wake up in the morning. I wake up with a massive smile on my face every day. Reality has shifted for me so much and I am so proud of myself for allowing myself to grow as a person. I find myself constantly blowing my own mind in terms of how I act and what I am thinking most of the time. I have burst the bubble that I previously lived in and hope to never live in it again.

My best friend had told me in August that I had lost my internal fire, I had lost my passion for life, and I had lost my desire to be happy. I think I lost site of who I am, was, and want to be. I am happy to announce that my fire is back and now I just have to fan the flames and make it grow.

I am the happy adult who is a kid inside and I will survive!

And the count down begins

In 11 days I will be turning 30 years old! I can not believe it truthfully but I can say that I have learned and experienced a lot in that period of time. A year ago I would have never guessed that I would be sitting in my friends apartment in Budapest writing an entry in my travel blog. I would have never guessed that I would be living in an apartment in Italy that makes most Italians drop their jaws upon entry to my 13th century apartment. I would have never guessed that I would have seen the Eiffel Tower, or drank champagne on the Danube river, or smoked a joint in front of the Roman Colosseum. Well some things you just never see coming I guess. The best part of life is the unexpected. It is the moments that take your breathe away, make you wish you could share them with people who are gone, and make you appreciate the fact that you are sharing these moments with new friends. I have made more friends in five months then I think I have ever made in America in 29 years. I don't understand how I have lived in such a close minded bubble for so long but hell I guess it took this long to burst it because I wasn't ready to see the beauty of life. I now can only think of life as this truly amazing chaotic experience that I can not control and would never want to.

Today marks the beginning of a special sort of count down for me. It is self imposed and enjoyed purely by me. I am counting down the end of an era and the end of my 20's. I finally am starting to see a man when I look in the mirror. I have had hard times in the past with my reflection but now I think others are starting to help me realize that I have more value then I would have ever believed. I want nothing more then to inspire others to want to travel. Whenever you travel I hope you open the doors that say not to, go down the streets that look the scariest, and to speak to anyone who seems like they might have a good story to share. Never be afraid when you travel because life is chaotic enough to live in fear. I can honestly say that the only thing that scares me is that someday I might loose my passion for travel, life, and adventure.

I really want anyone who reads this to consider one thing, when you are in your last hours here will you be happy with the person you have become or will you be regretting that you never tried?

Just a bit about the week

 “Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.”― Abraham Lincoln




This quote defines where my mind is lately. I have made up my mind to be happy forever. Thinks its impossible? Only time will tell. I love how every day seems to be better then the next. I have made some amazing friends, met some really interesting people, and sharing some unforgettable experiences with people who are opening my mind to the world. 

I am so grateful for some new friends that I have made and really hope that whatever next in life will be just as rewarding and fun as life has been lately. I walk around Italy now with a smile on my face that seems permanent. This blog is really meant to capture a time in life and so far it has been a great way to record my thoughts. I really am grateful for all of these opportunities and hope who ever reads this understands one thing, Just smile and everything becomes better. Everything. 

This picture is of a moment of clarity on a nice stroll in Firenze. Opening and my eyes like a baby to the world is quite amazing. 

When bubbles burst

Life has a chaotic flow that can not be understood. It is not meant to be. It is a journey which allows to effect it but can not plan it. Previous to my recent experiences I have lived in a bubble. This bubble consumed my fears and cradled them. I only thought of the bad things that in my opinion were Immanent to occur, yet most of those fears never happened. I have realized I have literally nothing to fear except my fear to not try. Stepping into the world like this has been intense for me. I have been able to do and see things I didn't even know excited. I have eaten lunch in castles, I have seen where Columbus came back to the queen, I have seen a Tuscan sunset turn from blue to pink to purple and then to darkness, I have seen! I am very proud of myself and mostly happy about the fact that I am ready to continue living and see where I go next. I have no idea and no direction yet because I can't. I have made decisions which have aloud me certain opportunities down the line but for now I just want to enjoy and see what turns out.

What this trip has taught me is that I have value. I matter, if only to me. And that is fine with me. I have found myself back drawn to daily prayer and being more thankful for all that I have. I don't wonder about the things I left behind and imagine they will give me little joy when I see them all again. Living and being outside, social and open is what will bring me joy. I have met cool people in the last few months and the list keeps expanding. Great conversations are the best part of new friendships. Seeing where these people come from, who they believe they are, and where they are going next. I have realized I don't ask people certain questions anymore. No longer is it a concern of mine where people work. If they feel compelled to tell me I always listen and remember but I don't believe a job defines a person. I think life and character defines the person. This all may sound deep and preachy but it's not meant to be. This is what I think now because of my experiences in life and them leading me here. Tomorrow I don't know where I will go or what I will do. Today I will let happen and see where life puts me. I will pursues one thing on a daily basis, improvement of myself and my happiness.

I am still not sure why life has been so great lately but I'm sure it has something to do with destiny. I have to thank my friend Subhash who I only met once on a sunny day in Sienna, Italy. We randomly met as we both looked lost getting on the train and found each other. We spoke of destiny, karma, love, family, and travels. A conversation that has impacted my European travels tremendously. Now wherever I go from this point forward I will always consider, has destiny brought me here? Do I need to alter this moment for my happiness to improve? Or is this Karma taking care of some unfinished business?

The beauty is I will never know. And I love that.

Christmas Break

I am about half way through my winter break from classes and it has been one of the most interesting breaks of my life. I have seen things that previously I had only studied in books. I got to go to Rome, Perugia, and wonder around my new home of Firenze. I have booked an upcoming trip to Budapest, Hungary which will be from January 13th-17th. This will be my first European adventure that I will be doing completely alone. I have no real idea why I booked the trip, where I am going, and what I will do when I get there. Sounds fun, right?! I hope so. I think its a good idea but I'm never sure until I try and see what happens. I have never really thought much of going there other than the fact that I have amazing family friends that are from there. I think sometimes life just makes you do things and you have no real understanding of why you are doing it but you know you need to do it.

I sat on the couch the other night around 1am watching a movie on my computer. It was a chilly night so I decided to stay in while my ex-girlfriend decided to go out around the same time and party all night. Who knows what she does when she is gone but for the first time in a long time I really don't care anymore. I have started to focus purely on my own joy and what makes me tick. I used to have this intense fire inside of me, a passion for life that others could clearly see radiating from me. After years of being burnt out by the American lifestyle and the constant pursuit of material possessions I can honestly say I have lost my fire and have been looking for some sort of spark to get me going again. I don't know that this trip is exactly that yet because honestly I still live in a limbo stage where I feel like I can do anything yet I sit patiently waiting for things to magically get better. I am about to turn 30 years old in just a few months and that is some scary stuff. Mainly it freaks me out because I know there are 30 years behind me and I still have no clue what I am doing with myself. I adventure constantly, I have opened my eyes to new and amazing experiences, and I have completely hit rock bottom since getting to Europe. I guess the bottom would purely mean that I have lost all of myself here and I starting to think that might be the best thing possible for me.

I am lost and now I am becoming found again. I am finding out who I am and what I stand for. My morals and my opinions matter and just because in the past relationships I have bent my will to make others happy when in reality I should have never done that at all. I understand doing things to make others happy but somewhere along the way I lost sight of what actually makes me happy. I lost me and that was the worst thing I could have ever done. After 10 years of college and multiple long term relationships I was burnt out and just wanted to disappear. I did and that was the worst thing I could have ever done. I should have kept my moment going but I didn't. I know now that is ok because I had to realign my perspective and without giving up everything that is normal to my life how could I ever appreciate new and valuable life experiences? I couldn't have; plain and simple.

I am looking forward to the next 6 months that I have left to live here in Italy. Not because they will be easy or fun or filled with adventure but mainly because they will be filled with enormous personal growth. The intangible things that nobody else can see except for me will be what I will be focusing on. I will do my best to not be physical with any female and purely harness powerful friendships. I will find what I am looking for when I am ready to see it but I am not ready yet. I am focused on one girl and the fact that she doesn't like me around anymore except somehow we spend most days together. That hurts me deeply but only because I have allowed it to hurt me. There is no more time for this in my life and I will work on creating a lifestyle that incorporates art, passion, appreciation, and humility. I am a man on a mission to find the purpose of my life and now that I have hit the bottom and shattered all of my previous realities, it is now time to create better and more appropriate realities.

Roman Holiday

Well Christmas has come and gone again and this time it was quite special for me. I traveled to Rome and it almost seemed like an out of body experience. The special part of this Roman trip wasn't the Christmas Eve Mass at the Vatican, it wasn't the Colosseum or Forum, it wasn't the Vatican museum and all its priceless wonders, it was purely about letting go of my grandmother.

The first night I spent in Rome was amazing and filled with a trip to the Colosseum and the Forum which are truly amazing feats of mankind. I did prefer the Forum a bit more but probably that was because we were aloud to walk around more freely amongst the ruins. Either way the evening was the best part of the entire trip for me. I feel asleep around 7pm and had one of the oddest and most vivid dreams of my entire life. I often have lucid dreams in which I can control what is happening and am fully aware in the dream that I am dreaming. This dream was nothing like that or any other dream I have ever had. It seemed more as if was real and I was literally experiencing this. I hesitate to use the term "Out of body experience" but it might be the closest way to explain what I felt.

So let's get to the dream then, It starts off with a long journey of pointless obstacles which are not really relevant to the story. I just had this overwhelming feeling that I needed to finish all these tasks because I was avoiding dealing with something that was very important yet I was very scared of. Finally I finish all these tasks and take one deep breathe. I close my eyes and I think, "Ok now I'm ready." Bam! Just like that I am watching my grandmother dying in front of my eyes yet I am to afraid to look so I pretend that I don't see her. She catches my eye though and looks at me. There are people around her trying to hold her spirit up with positive words and thoughts. Yet all that she sees is me and instantly I run to her and she hugs me. She reaches out and grabs my hands and says, "Jason I am in so much pain, you must let me go." Her eyes closed and her body fell limp into my arms. I held her as I told her that it was ok for her to go on and that I would be alright, everything would be alright."

That seemed like the end of the dream to me and I knew then I was ready to wake up but no. The dream continued and this is the part that made me feel something I have never felt before and could never properly put into words. My grandmother and I were in a dark place with a white light tunnel. She and I were standing together holding hands. We began to walk towards the light together and in a brief moment she looked at me and told me that she needed to go on by herself and that I wasn't ready to come with her yet. After hearing those words and seeing this vision so clearly I woke up in a cold sweat. I had never felt such a feeling of loneliness before and I knew she was really gone. Her spirit had come to let me walker to the other side because she knew how upset I was with myself that I wasn't there when she died here in her physical form.

Going to Rome was amazing because it allowed me to realize a dream come true. Knowing that my grandmother moved on is a sense of peace that I didn't know I needed until I found it. I have to say there was much more to this trip then just this story and my first day adventures but this blog is long enough already. I will just add some pictures now to show you how amazing my time in Rome was.

It's almost Christmas

If you would have told me last years that I would be living in Italy and celebrating Christmas with my ex-girlfriend in Rome, I would have never believed it. Yet here I am.

I am leaving in a few hours to Rome for the first time ever and am very excited about it. Not because of Rome, not because of the adventure that is in front of me, not because of anything other than the opportunity to pay my respect to my Grandmother. She passed away this summer and it was very difficult for my family and I but we all knew it was the best thing for her. It is never easy to let a love one go and I don't think that family ever leaves your heart. She will never be missed because she is with me everyday. She shaped me as a person and many of my characteristics are because of her. Every year after Christmas eve mass we would all return home and she would pray in front of the T.V. while the Pope gave his mass. Well in order to pay my repeats to her, I will be going to Rome to watch the Pope give Christmas eve mass. This is one of the most important moments of my life because it will bring me closer to my family then I have ever been before. The idea of love is eternal in my eyes because from the moment I was breathing till the moment I die they are part of my existence.

This will be my first Christmas in a different country and so far away from home. I have not been home for the holidays for many years now but mainly because I have always had to work. I am actually looking forward to the holidays in the future when I can be closer to my family and friends. The holidays are about love and appreciation in my eyes and I must say I have many people who show me both love and appreciation much more than I show it back. This trip to Italy has opened my eyes to my finite time on this planet and I must use every moment I can to appreciate and love as much as possible.
So from this point I will do my best to be more open, loving, and caring towards the world.

A New Day

I looked at myself today in the mirror and I was confused. I have a beard now, my hair is getting long for me, and now I seem to have pimples. My body seems to be changing and it's really odd to me. Grow up and growing older and two completely different things. I am however doing both at the same time which isn't always the case. In the past two years I have done all I could to escape the reality I had been setting myself up for. I bought into the working a boring job just to have stuff, the real American dream I guess. That's not my dream. I want more than just stuff, I want experiences. I want to experience a life that goes with the flow and can blow in the wind. I want to be able to have no home and become a nomad. The idea of home has always been important to me but now it seems like something I want to run away from. It's very strange because home is a lovely place. It's got friends, family, and familiarity. And maybe just maybe that's what I'm afraid of. I don't want to just fall into a stagnant life that blows through weeks because I can't tell Monday apart from Friday. Rather I would prefer that confusion because I haven't looked at a calendar for a month. Life is about surviving not making money. Now there are truly different levels of survival but reality is that I started at the bottom and I'm ok here. People may have had more and less than me but I'm finally happy with what I had and appreciate it more now that I understand the struggle of what my mom went through to give me all that she could. And she did one hell of a job, I usually got what I wanted cause she would do anything to see my smile. The idea of a person that would die to make you happy is something I hope I can find a few more times in this lifetime. But if not, I will always know that I was blessed to have such Ana amazing person in my life. 

I want this week to be dedicated to my grandmother. Every day I will take a bit of time and reflect of our good times together. The lessons she taught me and the many amazing experiences we shared. Today I remember the time she bought me two mice and let me keep them in a bird cage. I found out that mice could fit through very tiny spaces through that experience which led to dead mice found many years later. Oh grandma, you were crazy in the best kind of way. 

Anyways that's it for now. I am listening to daft punk in a bar having a coffee. Italy has really made me appreciate the coffee house because it's time to reflect and relax. I have no worries when I am sitting and thinking. I am at peace when I don't move. That sounds strange but I mean it. Music, coffee, deep thoughts and reflections, this is my happiness right now. I have found a way to escape my reality for a bit and enjoy life. The beauty is that I really think with this experience I might finally be on a true road to happiness. Cheers to that!

Moment is Everything

Today was a day filled with positive moments and one shocking blow. I began this day by watching a movie about the Mafia. I happen to be in Italy and for the time being it seems like Mafia moves are a stand out option. After this movie ended around 10am I went back to sleep and woke up around 3pm. At this point I walked across the bridge and began to write in my personal journal. Besides my blog which is public I have started a personal journal meant to get everything off of my chest. Basically a lot more complaining than I do here on this page. As for the shocking blow, you probably guessed it, ex-girlfriend issues. It is funny how the world works sometimes and lets just leave it at that.

The point of this blog is not to complain about girls hurting my feelings or stories of sleepy afternoons but rather it is about logging my personal growth and achievements over this period of time that I will be in Italy. I am growing as a person because my normal reality is constantly being ripped apart on a daily basis. Everything seems to be changing at such a rapid pace and I am the only one that seems to be aware of this. This must mean it is happening only to me at this moment in my life. While other people may be experience similar growing periods in life right now, this experience is truly unique to me. I am the one who feels the pain before the joy, I am the one that has to hit the bottom before I can start my journey to the top, and I am the only one who can learn how to make myself happy on a daily basis.

I wish no bad thoughts on anyone especially the ones who have hurt me. I know that they did not hurt me rather it was my mindset that allowed the pain into my reality. The only reality that does exist is that life is what I make it. If I choose to be happy, sad, morose, gloomy, etc., I will be it. This is much easier said than done, I promise you all that. In my journal I record my thoughts on my own existence, my ability to help the world achieve a perspective of the bigger picture, and I focus on the power that lays inside of my mind which is hardly utilized. I am looking to grow my mind and my spirit in this next decade and with that growth bring some knowledge and prosperity to the world. This blog may be the preachiest and off-topic entry yet but all of this needs to be said.

"I am Jason Brooks and I am on a journey to find happiness."

I often tell people that I do not want a career or a job ever but since I live in this reality I know I will have to earn money to survive. I will get by one way or the other but always because life allows me another day. My actions and thoughts all come from the same place in life; confusion. I am confused about life because I do not understand it. How I can exist in this time and be who I am while others have come before me and will leave after me? This may not make sense to many but to me the idea of being eternally happy is something I have been searching for my entire life, even before I knew I was. I hope that I can continue this search for a lifetime because the second someone believes they have found happiness it will change on them. People are only happy until they are not. I believe my only option now is to choose happiness for a lifetime.

Done with the first semester of my Master's Program!

Well here we are, at the end of the middle.

I never thought I would be living in Italy let alone pursuing my master's degree here in graphic design. This semester has been one hell of a ride though. In my American University I only took 4 courses a semester yet here in Italy they made me take 8 classes. Next semester I will take 8 classes again and its basically because they are forcing two years worth of work into one year. Wow! This has been intense and all I know is that next semester I will put a lot more effort into my work because this semester has been filled with randomly Italian adventures.

I came to Italy scared, confused, love-blind, and not sure of anything. It has now been a bit more than three months and I don't feel anything that I felt when I got here. I never realized that three months could be filled with so much fun, sadness, pain, and real joy. It has been one hell of a ride and I still have seven more months to go. I have met people so far on this journey that will be friends forever, I have met people who came and went just as they were meant to, and I have met people that were lovers that will be nothing but a memory when I go back to America. All I can really say is that right now, I am happy when I look myself in the mirror.

This life is to short to hold grudges and be mad. The girl I loved hit me with some intense news last night and WOW, I never saw that coming. All I know is that even the people you trust the most aren't always honest with you. Everyone is playing the game of survival and we have to respect that. I end this blog with such a simple and beautiful song. Remember that smiling faces tell lies.

Smile because today is a gift!