Christmas Break

I am about half way through my winter break from classes and it has been one of the most interesting breaks of my life. I have seen things that previously I had only studied in books. I got to go to Rome, Perugia, and wonder around my new home of Firenze. I have booked an upcoming trip to Budapest, Hungary which will be from January 13th-17th. This will be my first European adventure that I will be doing completely alone. I have no real idea why I booked the trip, where I am going, and what I will do when I get there. Sounds fun, right?! I hope so. I think its a good idea but I'm never sure until I try and see what happens. I have never really thought much of going there other than the fact that I have amazing family friends that are from there. I think sometimes life just makes you do things and you have no real understanding of why you are doing it but you know you need to do it.

I sat on the couch the other night around 1am watching a movie on my computer. It was a chilly night so I decided to stay in while my ex-girlfriend decided to go out around the same time and party all night. Who knows what she does when she is gone but for the first time in a long time I really don't care anymore. I have started to focus purely on my own joy and what makes me tick. I used to have this intense fire inside of me, a passion for life that others could clearly see radiating from me. After years of being burnt out by the American lifestyle and the constant pursuit of material possessions I can honestly say I have lost my fire and have been looking for some sort of spark to get me going again. I don't know that this trip is exactly that yet because honestly I still live in a limbo stage where I feel like I can do anything yet I sit patiently waiting for things to magically get better. I am about to turn 30 years old in just a few months and that is some scary stuff. Mainly it freaks me out because I know there are 30 years behind me and I still have no clue what I am doing with myself. I adventure constantly, I have opened my eyes to new and amazing experiences, and I have completely hit rock bottom since getting to Europe. I guess the bottom would purely mean that I have lost all of myself here and I starting to think that might be the best thing possible for me.

I am lost and now I am becoming found again. I am finding out who I am and what I stand for. My morals and my opinions matter and just because in the past relationships I have bent my will to make others happy when in reality I should have never done that at all. I understand doing things to make others happy but somewhere along the way I lost sight of what actually makes me happy. I lost me and that was the worst thing I could have ever done. After 10 years of college and multiple long term relationships I was burnt out and just wanted to disappear. I did and that was the worst thing I could have ever done. I should have kept my moment going but I didn't. I know now that is ok because I had to realign my perspective and without giving up everything that is normal to my life how could I ever appreciate new and valuable life experiences? I couldn't have; plain and simple.

I am looking forward to the next 6 months that I have left to live here in Italy. Not because they will be easy or fun or filled with adventure but mainly because they will be filled with enormous personal growth. The intangible things that nobody else can see except for me will be what I will be focusing on. I will do my best to not be physical with any female and purely harness powerful friendships. I will find what I am looking for when I am ready to see it but I am not ready yet. I am focused on one girl and the fact that she doesn't like me around anymore except somehow we spend most days together. That hurts me deeply but only because I have allowed it to hurt me. There is no more time for this in my life and I will work on creating a lifestyle that incorporates art, passion, appreciation, and humility. I am a man on a mission to find the purpose of my life and now that I have hit the bottom and shattered all of my previous realities, it is now time to create better and more appropriate realities.