And the count down begins

In 11 days I will be turning 30 years old! I can not believe it truthfully but I can say that I have learned and experienced a lot in that period of time. A year ago I would have never guessed that I would be sitting in my friends apartment in Budapest writing an entry in my travel blog. I would have never guessed that I would be living in an apartment in Italy that makes most Italians drop their jaws upon entry to my 13th century apartment. I would have never guessed that I would have seen the Eiffel Tower, or drank champagne on the Danube river, or smoked a joint in front of the Roman Colosseum. Well some things you just never see coming I guess. The best part of life is the unexpected. It is the moments that take your breathe away, make you wish you could share them with people who are gone, and make you appreciate the fact that you are sharing these moments with new friends. I have made more friends in five months then I think I have ever made in America in 29 years. I don't understand how I have lived in such a close minded bubble for so long but hell I guess it took this long to burst it because I wasn't ready to see the beauty of life. I now can only think of life as this truly amazing chaotic experience that I can not control and would never want to.

Today marks the beginning of a special sort of count down for me. It is self imposed and enjoyed purely by me. I am counting down the end of an era and the end of my 20's. I finally am starting to see a man when I look in the mirror. I have had hard times in the past with my reflection but now I think others are starting to help me realize that I have more value then I would have ever believed. I want nothing more then to inspire others to want to travel. Whenever you travel I hope you open the doors that say not to, go down the streets that look the scariest, and to speak to anyone who seems like they might have a good story to share. Never be afraid when you travel because life is chaotic enough to live in fear. I can honestly say that the only thing that scares me is that someday I might loose my passion for travel, life, and adventure.

I really want anyone who reads this to consider one thing, when you are in your last hours here will you be happy with the person you have become or will you be regretting that you never tried?

Just a bit about the week

 “Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.”― Abraham Lincoln




This quote defines where my mind is lately. I have made up my mind to be happy forever. Thinks its impossible? Only time will tell. I love how every day seems to be better then the next. I have made some amazing friends, met some really interesting people, and sharing some unforgettable experiences with people who are opening my mind to the world. 

I am so grateful for some new friends that I have made and really hope that whatever next in life will be just as rewarding and fun as life has been lately. I walk around Italy now with a smile on my face that seems permanent. This blog is really meant to capture a time in life and so far it has been a great way to record my thoughts. I really am grateful for all of these opportunities and hope who ever reads this understands one thing, Just smile and everything becomes better. Everything. 

This picture is of a moment of clarity on a nice stroll in Firenze. Opening and my eyes like a baby to the world is quite amazing. 

When bubbles burst

Life has a chaotic flow that can not be understood. It is not meant to be. It is a journey which allows to effect it but can not plan it. Previous to my recent experiences I have lived in a bubble. This bubble consumed my fears and cradled them. I only thought of the bad things that in my opinion were Immanent to occur, yet most of those fears never happened. I have realized I have literally nothing to fear except my fear to not try. Stepping into the world like this has been intense for me. I have been able to do and see things I didn't even know excited. I have eaten lunch in castles, I have seen where Columbus came back to the queen, I have seen a Tuscan sunset turn from blue to pink to purple and then to darkness, I have seen! I am very proud of myself and mostly happy about the fact that I am ready to continue living and see where I go next. I have no idea and no direction yet because I can't. I have made decisions which have aloud me certain opportunities down the line but for now I just want to enjoy and see what turns out.

What this trip has taught me is that I have value. I matter, if only to me. And that is fine with me. I have found myself back drawn to daily prayer and being more thankful for all that I have. I don't wonder about the things I left behind and imagine they will give me little joy when I see them all again. Living and being outside, social and open is what will bring me joy. I have met cool people in the last few months and the list keeps expanding. Great conversations are the best part of new friendships. Seeing where these people come from, who they believe they are, and where they are going next. I have realized I don't ask people certain questions anymore. No longer is it a concern of mine where people work. If they feel compelled to tell me I always listen and remember but I don't believe a job defines a person. I think life and character defines the person. This all may sound deep and preachy but it's not meant to be. This is what I think now because of my experiences in life and them leading me here. Tomorrow I don't know where I will go or what I will do. Today I will let happen and see where life puts me. I will pursues one thing on a daily basis, improvement of myself and my happiness.

I am still not sure why life has been so great lately but I'm sure it has something to do with destiny. I have to thank my friend Subhash who I only met once on a sunny day in Sienna, Italy. We randomly met as we both looked lost getting on the train and found each other. We spoke of destiny, karma, love, family, and travels. A conversation that has impacted my European travels tremendously. Now wherever I go from this point forward I will always consider, has destiny brought me here? Do I need to alter this moment for my happiness to improve? Or is this Karma taking care of some unfinished business?

The beauty is I will never know. And I love that.

Christmas Break

I am about half way through my winter break from classes and it has been one of the most interesting breaks of my life. I have seen things that previously I had only studied in books. I got to go to Rome, Perugia, and wonder around my new home of Firenze. I have booked an upcoming trip to Budapest, Hungary which will be from January 13th-17th. This will be my first European adventure that I will be doing completely alone. I have no real idea why I booked the trip, where I am going, and what I will do when I get there. Sounds fun, right?! I hope so. I think its a good idea but I'm never sure until I try and see what happens. I have never really thought much of going there other than the fact that I have amazing family friends that are from there. I think sometimes life just makes you do things and you have no real understanding of why you are doing it but you know you need to do it.

I sat on the couch the other night around 1am watching a movie on my computer. It was a chilly night so I decided to stay in while my ex-girlfriend decided to go out around the same time and party all night. Who knows what she does when she is gone but for the first time in a long time I really don't care anymore. I have started to focus purely on my own joy and what makes me tick. I used to have this intense fire inside of me, a passion for life that others could clearly see radiating from me. After years of being burnt out by the American lifestyle and the constant pursuit of material possessions I can honestly say I have lost my fire and have been looking for some sort of spark to get me going again. I don't know that this trip is exactly that yet because honestly I still live in a limbo stage where I feel like I can do anything yet I sit patiently waiting for things to magically get better. I am about to turn 30 years old in just a few months and that is some scary stuff. Mainly it freaks me out because I know there are 30 years behind me and I still have no clue what I am doing with myself. I adventure constantly, I have opened my eyes to new and amazing experiences, and I have completely hit rock bottom since getting to Europe. I guess the bottom would purely mean that I have lost all of myself here and I starting to think that might be the best thing possible for me.

I am lost and now I am becoming found again. I am finding out who I am and what I stand for. My morals and my opinions matter and just because in the past relationships I have bent my will to make others happy when in reality I should have never done that at all. I understand doing things to make others happy but somewhere along the way I lost sight of what actually makes me happy. I lost me and that was the worst thing I could have ever done. After 10 years of college and multiple long term relationships I was burnt out and just wanted to disappear. I did and that was the worst thing I could have ever done. I should have kept my moment going but I didn't. I know now that is ok because I had to realign my perspective and without giving up everything that is normal to my life how could I ever appreciate new and valuable life experiences? I couldn't have; plain and simple.

I am looking forward to the next 6 months that I have left to live here in Italy. Not because they will be easy or fun or filled with adventure but mainly because they will be filled with enormous personal growth. The intangible things that nobody else can see except for me will be what I will be focusing on. I will do my best to not be physical with any female and purely harness powerful friendships. I will find what I am looking for when I am ready to see it but I am not ready yet. I am focused on one girl and the fact that she doesn't like me around anymore except somehow we spend most days together. That hurts me deeply but only because I have allowed it to hurt me. There is no more time for this in my life and I will work on creating a lifestyle that incorporates art, passion, appreciation, and humility. I am a man on a mission to find the purpose of my life and now that I have hit the bottom and shattered all of my previous realities, it is now time to create better and more appropriate realities.

Roman Holiday

Well Christmas has come and gone again and this time it was quite special for me. I traveled to Rome and it almost seemed like an out of body experience. The special part of this Roman trip wasn't the Christmas Eve Mass at the Vatican, it wasn't the Colosseum or Forum, it wasn't the Vatican museum and all its priceless wonders, it was purely about letting go of my grandmother.

The first night I spent in Rome was amazing and filled with a trip to the Colosseum and the Forum which are truly amazing feats of mankind. I did prefer the Forum a bit more but probably that was because we were aloud to walk around more freely amongst the ruins. Either way the evening was the best part of the entire trip for me. I feel asleep around 7pm and had one of the oddest and most vivid dreams of my entire life. I often have lucid dreams in which I can control what is happening and am fully aware in the dream that I am dreaming. This dream was nothing like that or any other dream I have ever had. It seemed more as if was real and I was literally experiencing this. I hesitate to use the term "Out of body experience" but it might be the closest way to explain what I felt.

So let's get to the dream then, It starts off with a long journey of pointless obstacles which are not really relevant to the story. I just had this overwhelming feeling that I needed to finish all these tasks because I was avoiding dealing with something that was very important yet I was very scared of. Finally I finish all these tasks and take one deep breathe. I close my eyes and I think, "Ok now I'm ready." Bam! Just like that I am watching my grandmother dying in front of my eyes yet I am to afraid to look so I pretend that I don't see her. She catches my eye though and looks at me. There are people around her trying to hold her spirit up with positive words and thoughts. Yet all that she sees is me and instantly I run to her and she hugs me. She reaches out and grabs my hands and says, "Jason I am in so much pain, you must let me go." Her eyes closed and her body fell limp into my arms. I held her as I told her that it was ok for her to go on and that I would be alright, everything would be alright."

That seemed like the end of the dream to me and I knew then I was ready to wake up but no. The dream continued and this is the part that made me feel something I have never felt before and could never properly put into words. My grandmother and I were in a dark place with a white light tunnel. She and I were standing together holding hands. We began to walk towards the light together and in a brief moment she looked at me and told me that she needed to go on by herself and that I wasn't ready to come with her yet. After hearing those words and seeing this vision so clearly I woke up in a cold sweat. I had never felt such a feeling of loneliness before and I knew she was really gone. Her spirit had come to let me walker to the other side because she knew how upset I was with myself that I wasn't there when she died here in her physical form.

Going to Rome was amazing because it allowed me to realize a dream come true. Knowing that my grandmother moved on is a sense of peace that I didn't know I needed until I found it. I have to say there was much more to this trip then just this story and my first day adventures but this blog is long enough already. I will just add some pictures now to show you how amazing my time in Rome was.

It's almost Christmas

If you would have told me last years that I would be living in Italy and celebrating Christmas with my ex-girlfriend in Rome, I would have never believed it. Yet here I am.

I am leaving in a few hours to Rome for the first time ever and am very excited about it. Not because of Rome, not because of the adventure that is in front of me, not because of anything other than the opportunity to pay my respect to my Grandmother. She passed away this summer and it was very difficult for my family and I but we all knew it was the best thing for her. It is never easy to let a love one go and I don't think that family ever leaves your heart. She will never be missed because she is with me everyday. She shaped me as a person and many of my characteristics are because of her. Every year after Christmas eve mass we would all return home and she would pray in front of the T.V. while the Pope gave his mass. Well in order to pay my repeats to her, I will be going to Rome to watch the Pope give Christmas eve mass. This is one of the most important moments of my life because it will bring me closer to my family then I have ever been before. The idea of love is eternal in my eyes because from the moment I was breathing till the moment I die they are part of my existence.

This will be my first Christmas in a different country and so far away from home. I have not been home for the holidays for many years now but mainly because I have always had to work. I am actually looking forward to the holidays in the future when I can be closer to my family and friends. The holidays are about love and appreciation in my eyes and I must say I have many people who show me both love and appreciation much more than I show it back. This trip to Italy has opened my eyes to my finite time on this planet and I must use every moment I can to appreciate and love as much as possible.
So from this point I will do my best to be more open, loving, and caring towards the world.

A New Day

I looked at myself today in the mirror and I was confused. I have a beard now, my hair is getting long for me, and now I seem to have pimples. My body seems to be changing and it's really odd to me. Grow up and growing older and two completely different things. I am however doing both at the same time which isn't always the case. In the past two years I have done all I could to escape the reality I had been setting myself up for. I bought into the working a boring job just to have stuff, the real American dream I guess. That's not my dream. I want more than just stuff, I want experiences. I want to experience a life that goes with the flow and can blow in the wind. I want to be able to have no home and become a nomad. The idea of home has always been important to me but now it seems like something I want to run away from. It's very strange because home is a lovely place. It's got friends, family, and familiarity. And maybe just maybe that's what I'm afraid of. I don't want to just fall into a stagnant life that blows through weeks because I can't tell Monday apart from Friday. Rather I would prefer that confusion because I haven't looked at a calendar for a month. Life is about surviving not making money. Now there are truly different levels of survival but reality is that I started at the bottom and I'm ok here. People may have had more and less than me but I'm finally happy with what I had and appreciate it more now that I understand the struggle of what my mom went through to give me all that she could. And she did one hell of a job, I usually got what I wanted cause she would do anything to see my smile. The idea of a person that would die to make you happy is something I hope I can find a few more times in this lifetime. But if not, I will always know that I was blessed to have such Ana amazing person in my life. 

I want this week to be dedicated to my grandmother. Every day I will take a bit of time and reflect of our good times together. The lessons she taught me and the many amazing experiences we shared. Today I remember the time she bought me two mice and let me keep them in a bird cage. I found out that mice could fit through very tiny spaces through that experience which led to dead mice found many years later. Oh grandma, you were crazy in the best kind of way. 

Anyways that's it for now. I am listening to daft punk in a bar having a coffee. Italy has really made me appreciate the coffee house because it's time to reflect and relax. I have no worries when I am sitting and thinking. I am at peace when I don't move. That sounds strange but I mean it. Music, coffee, deep thoughts and reflections, this is my happiness right now. I have found a way to escape my reality for a bit and enjoy life. The beauty is that I really think with this experience I might finally be on a true road to happiness. Cheers to that!