U.S.ehhh.

Its funny how life can run full circle sometime. I left the San Fernando Valley when I was 18 years old with absolutely no intention of ever coming back. Honestly, I hated the valley and would've been perfectly happy to never cross paths with it again. Yet here I am at 30 years old sitting in my childhood room wonder how the hell this happened. When I left to Italy a year ago I had my own apartment in San Francisco, a good job in San Francisco, and a damn good life now that hindsight has set in. Well a lot can happen in a year and damn, it really did. This blog was supposed to be about how Europe changed my life but I had this moment of clarity the other day and realized it wasn't Europe that changed me, it was me that inevitable to change at any given time. When we are stuck in the routine most people search for so desperately we tend to forget about what is really important in life to us. Now that I have been back in America I tend to keep getting the same questions, So Jason, what's next? Oh, you don't have any plans for your future? Why would you do that? How do you plan on having a good life if you don't know what you want to do with it?

Ok....ok....ok....I get it.
People are curious. They love to ask questions and project fears. I have lived my entire life being raised in a family full of fear and situations that haven't always been Kosher. So lets say I developed more of a backbone then most people. But I have been thinking a lot lately and would like to share the answers I think I have come up with for those questions people seem to keep hitting me with.

1. So, Jason what's next?
I don't know what will come next. Life is to unpredictable to plan so far into the future and in my personal experience even planning into the next day can come with life changing ramifications. Although planning is great tool, it isn't really for me. I have spent the year thinking about the big picture of life and realizing that everything I ever plan is always altered, complicated, or just plain not what I expected. So I have started to maintain this new mentality that allows me to go into any situation with the same wonder and excitement I had when I was a child. Remember when you were little and everything was amazing? Yeah, That is exactly how I am trying to see the world again. I want that amazement back that I used to have when I felt a cool breeze touch my face or when I saw a puppy playing with his shadow. The point is that opening my eyes to the world and being grateful for every moment is what is next for me.

2. Oh, you don't have any plans for your future?
This is always my favorite question. Of course I have hopes for my future but plans? Nope. I once had this image in my head about how I wanted this family, house, dog, job, blah, blah, blah. BORING!!!! I realized that this idea wasn't my idea. This idea was put into my head by watching the society around me and thinking this is what would make me happy. I have changed my mind drastically on this previous view and now my plans are to figure out how to rearrange my hopes for my future. Maybe I will have kids, maybe I won't. Maybe I will buy a boat instead of having a wife. Maybe I will get married and never get that dream boat. No. I can't predict the future but I have hopes. Thats the best I can do for now.

3.Why would you do that?
 Because honestly happiness is the only thing I am focused on in this lifetime. The moments I have spent sad have all been blessings but I am tired of having them and will focus on not having them anymore.

4. How do you plan on having a good life if you don't low what you want to do with it?
Now, this is the last question I am generally asked. Sometimes it comes off more backhanded then this but the best way to answer this question is purely with time. I have worked very hard on setting myself up for good things in the future but for now I am focusing on the small daily blessings that cross my path. I don't like to plan much but the idea of a good life for a lifetime is quite appealing, isn't it? I have watched my family for many years and have hoped for one thing, to not end up like them. They have all had lives filled with misfortune and extremely difficult times that most people would not be able to overcome. Now after I have had a full year to travel, mostly alone, has given me plenty of time to pray in churches all over Europe. In these places I realized that I was so dumb to not want to be like my family. They are strong, resilient, smart, and nice people. I would be lucky to be anything like them so my plans for the future are to be more like my family and then I will have a good life.

48 hours and counting . . .

Well it has come to be a reality that my life here in Italy is now ending and a new shift in my path is happening. I am moving to Los Angeles, California in less then a month and leaving my home in Italy in two days. I woke up in a panic and a sudden realization that it was a reality I could not avoid, as much as I would love to. So much change has already happened this year and now I can only see the horizon that has always been confusing to me. The horizon is the most mysterious thing I have ever seen. When I was younger I would sit on the cliffs in San Diego are wonder for hours about the horizon. Was it the beginning of something or was it the end of something, I think after all these years I have figured out that it is both at the same time. My eyes allow me to see as far as the world will allow and then past that, its just constant change. I could fill this particular blog with tons of things I learned this year and how much I grew as a person but really all I care about is what is coming next. I know there will be things that will be very difficult in the near future for me to deal with but I hope I am able to maintain and thrive again with particular relationships. I don't know what is coming next or if it will be enjoyable or not but I do know this, change is coming and this seems to be the calm before the storm.

Thank you for everything Firenze

As my time comes to an end here in Italy I am reminded of something I was told this year, life is about destiny. Destiny puts you where you need to be and Karma is what helps you make your decisions once destiny has placed you in a situation. Now almost a year has past since deciding to come to Italy and its time to pack up soon and head back to Los Angeles. I have no idea what will come next for me and gosh, thats just a bit exciting. I am scared as hell, yup but hey aren't we all??

I know when destiny is ready for me to see what is next, then I will. For now I will do my best to live in the moments that are before me and appreciate all the fantastic memories that I have acquired this year. So a bit of a recap of my favorite memories of my year abroad in Italy.

-My first trip with Max and Xavier to Barcelona and Paris is one of my most charished memories of my entire life. We partied till the sun came up in Barcelona, we dined like Kings, we meet great friends, and we some how made it to Paris where we popped bottles under the Eiffel tower. We gave some kid whiskey and he got us into VIP for this amazing concert. We saw the Louvre and let me tell you, that is the most amazing museum in the entire world!

-I met these amazing people from California in Italy of all places. These people were just what I was looking for and didn't even know I was looking. They made me feel so welcomed and happy instantly and I truly can't wait to cross paths with all of them when I get back.

-I met Erin, Peaches, Amy, and Myself for the first time. Erin was a friend of a friend that ended up being on of the best friends I have ever made. She is a person that can light up any room and I am so blessed to have found someone I can relate to on so many levels. Peaches, well she is just the best thing ever! I love this chick. She and I have partied, raged, cried, traveled, and even once slept in the same bed. There really isn't anything else to say except I am keeping her forever. Amy, my lovely Brit. This chick was something special to me also. I only knew her for half the year but she and I had some amazing times. We didn't hang out much but when we did it was usually for 24 hours minimum. I don't know what it was about her but I really hope she doesn't just fade away. And meeting myself for the first time was a trip. You may read this and say that I am full of it or just dumb but the reality is most of us need a lifetime to meet ourselves. I am constantly doing things that I didn't even know I wanted to or was capable of. I remember half way into the year I looked into the mirror and I saw myself for the first time. Truly looked into my eyes and told myself that I was proud to meet me. Oddly enough, it was the moment I became a happy person. I have love in my heart for the first time in years instead of the rage that lingered over the decades. I plan on taking this back with me and doing my best to keep pushing my positivity forward and learning everyday how to be a better person.

-Living in the Ponte house. What a blast! Living in this 13th century apartment on the river right next to the Uffizi and Ponte Vecchio has really been nothing more then magical. I have lived with 6 of the nicest, moodiest, craziest, loveliest people I have ever met. We had amazing parties which according to many people were EPIC!!! We had lots of drinking nights with the homies. We had lots of great talks. And kept it a truly Cali vibe in the house which I needed more then you all will ever know.

-Going to Rome to say good bye to my grandmas spirit. I swear the first night I went to Rome I had an out of body experience where my grandma who just passed away told me that she was with me everywhere that I went and that I needed to let her go. I couldn't go any further in life until I let go of the past. This is a lesson I have learned over and over again this year and its only because of my grandma who is still teaching me things even after she has gone.

Honestly I could go on and on but these are the most important things that have happened to me this year. I want to thank you all for being supportive of me this year. It has helped me become a stronger and better person. Much love.

3 steps closer

Well it is June 4th and three of my seven roommates have moved back home. One has gone to Bulgaria where she will spend her summer between there and Greece. She seems as if she will be suited to have the best summer but the type of person she is, I don't know if she would actually appreciate it. The Xavier left just a few days ago which caught me off guard because it really did make me tear up quite a lot. I found Xavier to be a very interesting guy for many reasons but mainly because he was the houses wildcard. We never knew what he may do and he often shocked us all. He is a crazy mother but he is a good guy. And then last night around 4am big Eric took off back to California. It didn't really hit me the same way I thought it would but mainly because we had all been drinking for hours so by the time it actually happened, it seemed fake like he was just on his way to another vacation like we have all taken over the course of the year. Except this time he isn't coming back.

Well I guess that is how it goes and now there are only a few of the originals left in the house. Max has taken off for what seems to be a tremendous adventure that will span most of the month and take him to four different countries. Then there is Victoria, who honestly is like a ghost when she is here anyways. Jessica will stay a month longer then everyone else which should prove to be interesting. And then all thats left is me, I will leave Florence on June 30th and be heading back to New York.

I have been lucky enough to have met some amazing people along the way and one has offered me a place to stay for a few nights when I arrive in Brooklyn. That should be interesting because I here a lot of crazy things about New York and especially Brooklyn. From there I will be traveling to Philadelphia with my buddy Peaches and this is when the next adventure begins. We will essentially be driving across America by way of New York to Los Angeles.

I hardly find myself to be a reader but lately I have felt this passion to learn and to appreciate the thoughts of others who have taken the time to formulate a story with the intention of teaching us something. I am currently reading "On the Road" by Jack Kerauc and honestly that book is just what I needed. It is the story of a man who leaves his home, travels from New York to California and finds himself along the way. I guess in life many of us are constantly searching for something, for a purpose, for a reason to continue on, and this book has open my eyes to this fact. There are times when I get caught up with a one sided perspective that is only focused on me and that is the worst way to live. I must go back to my roots and learn to be for the people again the way my mother raised me. I really love helping others and in order to be happy I must enjoy the smiles I can put on others faces.

And the journey continues

I have found on this adventure that I do my best thinking while I am wondering around the streets of Florence. My mind takes off and its as if I have a subconscious thought process going on that is filling me in on what I have been thinking. Today is no different but the shitty part is that by the time I get to the computer my thoughts don't match up properly. They are close but not as eloquent as in my head. So I will do my best to work out this thought process here and share it.

Today is memorial day and it is a great way to celebrate the United States troops and give them a day of memory and praise for their selfless service to their country. The only issue I have with that date is that it is the same as the day my dad died. In most circumstances this would've been a difficult experience for most people but the problem is that I never knew him. I missed out on getting to know him. I didn't know I was robed of so much until years later when i actually heard he died but thats besides the point. I find it funny that I have an official marker date of when my dad died to help remind me forever. That is just so nice of life to do that for me. I sometimes can't help but laugh at life because I see a reality, I see the one that I wish for, and the one that is. I have heard so much from people all over the world the same thing in this year and its quite odd, they say "The grass is always greener on the other side." I have heard that from citizens of the world and it is really amazing how many people think that way. I used to think that way and I am sure sometimes I still do but I do my best to stay balanced.

I had so many other thoughts on my walk but as I sit down that is the only one that comes to my mind. I guess it is the only thought that weights heavier on me then I realized. I guess that leaving all my friends behind in Italy and possibly never seeing them again is part of why I am focused on death. I am reading a book now called On The Road by Kerouac and it really made me realize that sometimes you just know you will never see people again when you meet them on the road. You have a great encounter, a meaningful conversation, a passionate love affair, and then you move on. When I look at myself I wonder how I will fit into the memories of my adventure buddies and wonder how I will remember them. I have met people that have changed my life, I have met drinking buddies, I have met lovers, I have met my past, and I have met my future. And let me tell you, they are both really scary. One is scary because I am leaving behind something that meant so much to me and the other is because I have no idea what I may find along the way. I wonder if I will ever find the happiness I once had or if I will never find love again. These are thoughts that are pointless however because I won't ever know until I know. And even then, life is full of change, constant change. All I know is that the journey to find myself will continue.

Peaks and Valleys

There are two things in life that I find more often then not, Peaks and Valleys. On the good days I ride the waves to my peak of happiness and then I crash into a valley. Italy and this lifestyle has been amazing and a true peak of happiness but I can feel the rubble shaking under my feet and know soon I will crash back into the literal valley. I am not ready for this yet. I wonder sometimes if the good times in my life are only there as placeholders till the next horrible thing happens. I am doing my best to keep my shit together but I am seeming to fail lately over and over again. I don't know whats coming for me next and true, this can be exciting but I have this odd feeling whats coming next will be rough. I have to move back to Los Angeles to become a man and to take care of my family. I have only two people left in my entire family and as much as I never wanted to be the man of the family, its not up to me. I have a responsibility to take care of the ladies who gave their lives for me. They did everything they could just to make sure I was happy and had the best of everything.

I grew up in a single parent household. I am a single child and was raising mainly by my grandmother. Not because my mom wasn't there but because she had to go out and hustle and make sure we could eat and have a roof over our head. When I was little I focused on all the things I didn't have because others around me seemed to rub it in my face all the time. Yeah, I don't have a dad, so what? Yeah, we never lived in a house, so what? Yeah, I watched my grandma have a stroke in front of my eyes, so what? Yeah, I could go on and on about all the bad things that have happened in my life, so what?

So the point is that for every bad thing that has ever happened to me there have been four people standing there with a smile on their faces, sometimes forced, but always there to let me know things will get better and be ok. They taught me to appreciate the things I had instead of focusing on the things I didn't have. They taught me to be happy by being yourself and not letting other people break you down. They taught me the  most important thing of all, Amor es todo!

My mom taught me more then anyone of the four. She taught me that when life breaks you down, when it is trying to crush you under its weight, the trick is to just roll with it. Brush it off once you can stand back up and keep going. She used to ask me often if I liked having my face rubbed in shit? I used to think this was really mean and cruel to ask someone who was hurt. It wasn't meant like that I realized as years went on and I kept wondering what she meant by that. She was hurt when I was hurt and I realize that now. I realize that she has had nothing but the best of intentions for me my entire existence because I am part of her. We are one. We are a team. Just me and her against the world. That is how my entire life has felt, that my mom and I have had to battle daily to make it through the peaks and valleys. My fear of moving home isn't that I have to see my mom every day but that I will not be able to take care of her as well as she has always taken care of me. I don't want to let her down. I can't let her down. So with that said, I will do my best every day to make sure I am happy so that I can help others around me be happy. When people are sad and trying to put their emotions in a box, I won't ask them anything. I will just sit there with them and pass the time until they need me.

I will do my best to keep my pitcher full so that I can fill up everyone else's glass.

I'll take care of me?

If I have learned one thing this year it is this, When my back is up against the wall and I don't think I can take anymore and I feel like it couldn't get any worse yet some how does, thats when I am at my best. Oddly enough.

Currently the life I am living is nothing short of a miracle. The stars had to align just right to allow me to be here in Italy. I never knew I had to come and that I had to experience these things. Now I can see that this was all completely necessary. The joys, heartaches, hangovers, friends, and the coffee, oh it was all completely necessary for me to see all this. I had to see it so that I could change. So that I could open my eyes and realize that the world is much bigger then just California. I have realized that I some how got a late start but man do i plan on making up for it.

I have four upcoming trips in the next 8 weeks. The craziest part of this journey is that it is coming to an end. I have actually bought my ticket back to America and will be on a plane June 30th heading to New York. So that means 4 weeks to make the most of here in Florence and 4 weeks to see the world a bit more. I am excited for these upcoming trips but am mainly just excited to learn something new. The idea of going somewhere I have never been really makes me feel blessed. The more I can learn the better I can understand the world.